Sitemap - 2021 - Ye Olde Tyme News

Ye Olde Year in Review

Housing Market Heating Up Due Mainly to Flammability of Thatch

Deranged Child Gives Offering of Milk and Cookies to Pagan Forest God

Tales from Christmases Past

Major Letdown: The Nutcracker That Abducted Me Isn't Even A Prince

How to Fight Inflation By Being the Only Person in Thy Fiefdom Who Is Legally Allowed to Own Things

The Trousers of Fortune

6 Other Creatures Santa Considered Enslaving Before He Settled On Elves and Reindeer

Get It, Gurl! This Female Worker Almost Died from the Plague but Came into Work Anyway Because Health Insurance Doth Not Exist Yet

Dear Dark Lord: My Eunuch Slave Army Gave Me A Negative Work Climate Survey

Top Picks for Thy Fantasy Jousting League so Thou Can Win Enoughe Wheat to Survive the Winter

The Christmas Man Is Drunk on a Goat and He Just Doth Not Give a Fyck!

5 Reasons to Burn Witches at the Stake Now that Burning-at-the-Stake Season is Over

These Black Friday Deals Put the "Sale" in "The Price of Grain Hath Thrown the Provinces Into Wholesale Rebellion"

What Ruined Thy Lambshanksgiving Feast This Year?

How to Avoid Overeating During the Holidays by Transforming into an Ethereal Forest Sprite

Lambshanksgiving Recipes So Goode Thou Art Required to Give Them to The King and Then Starve

How to Weave a Wreath That's Beautiful, but Not Beautiful Enough to Avoid Dalston's Unsolicited Wreath-Weaving Advice

SCANDAL: Big Leech Industry Lied About Humour Imbalances to Drive Up Cost of Leeches

Ye Olde Tyme Excuse Generator

Walking the Plank Still Number 1 Cause of Death Amongst Scallywags

Hipster Crusader Was Conquering the Holy Land Before It Was Cool

10 Pickup Lines That Always Work Because Thou Art Rescuing a Princess from Lyfetyme Imprisonment in a Tower and Are Honestly Her Only Option At This Point

Mr. "My Crops Weren't Ravaged By Trolls This Year" Giving Out Full-Size Barley Sacks For Halloween

Last Minute Halloween Costumes That Say "We've Been Running Low On Twine Ever Since The Barbarian Invasion"

4 Ways to Get a Fresh Skeleton for Thy Halloween Decorations Without Spending Big Money at the Bone Merchant

Real Original: This Wizard Just Wore His Regular Wizard Clothes to the LARP Festival

“Thy Liegelord Left His Helmet Behind and Needs Someone to Grab It Real Quick,” and Other Reasons to Send Thy Child to The King's Crusade

Squire Hangs Poster of The King on Wall to Practice Kissing His Ring

How to Put Subtle Pagan Undertones Into Thy Pumpkin Carving Without Provoking the Wrath of the Inquisition

6 Excuses Holding Thee Back from Doubling Taxes to Fund a Precarious Naval Expedition

Foode Review: Arrows. I Got Shot in the Mouth by One So I Guess We're Calling Them Foode Now

Study: Majority of People Unaware There Multiple Edged Weapons Embedded in Their Skull and Chest

Everybody Told Cuthbert He Was Doing Sword Fighting Wrong. That Didn't Stop Him From Doing His Own Thing

Fashun Police Remind Everyone Not to Wear Pointy Shoes After Don't-Wear-Pointy-Shoes-Anymore Day

5 Fall Flavours That Will Make Thee Say "I Cannot Taste Any Of These Because The King Cut My Tongue Out For Blasphemy"

Catch The Royal Speedhogge And Win A Free Chance To Be Mauled To Death For Interrupting The Sacred Hogge Dash

Livestock Are Rectangular Now and We’re So Here For It

Quizze: Is Thy Bastard Son Trying to Overthrow Thee and Taketh Thy Lordship?

Having One of Those “All of Our Raiding Party’s Ships Were Dashed Upon the Rocky Shoals” Kind of Days?

Plague Superspreader? This Rat Just Killed Like Half the Continent

Peasant Applies For Job As If Social Mobility Is Thing That Exists

Not Fair: Leofric Courts All the Fairest Maidens Just Because He Shreds on the Dulcimer

Review: Books. Nobody Knows How to Read Them but They Smell Nice

Green Knights Group Calls for Ethical Slaying of Dragons

Hath Anyone Else in the Tavern Noticed Sigbert Is Dead?

4 Helmets that Won’t Stop the Arrow Flying Towards Thy Skull but Will Look Pretty Cool Up Until that Point

6 Productivity Tools That Are All Spades Because Digging Holes Is Thy Only Purpose Now Get Back to It

Hard Work Payeth Off: This Baron Became a Millionaire at 30 Just by Being 2nd Cousin Once Removed of The King

We Gaveth 100 Peasants Free Tickets To This Archery Tournament But Didst Not Tell Them They Were The Targets

Royal Taster Thinks He So Cool Just Because He Hasn't Been Poisoned to Death Yet

Tavern Review: The City Came Under Siege Whilst I Was Writing One, So I’m Going to Die Here but the Ale Is Decent

Parents Wish Son Would Do Apprenticeship in Something Useful Like Hogslapping

Buttwipers' Guild Facing Kingdom-Wide Shortage of Clean Hands

How Many Ostentatious Jewel-Encrusted Scepters Are Too Many?

Fun Uses for Hot Milk if Thou Couldst Afford Heat or Milk

Is Thy Job as Grand Inquisitor Hurting Thy Social Life?

50% of Peasants Refuse to Douse Themselves in Holy Water to Ward Off Plague

Ox Jumping: Should Athletes in the Kingdom’s Favourite Sport Be Paid as Much as the Ox?

"Shoot with a Crossbow" and Other Things to "Accidentally" Do to Thy Peasants' Faces

Housing Market Trends to Watch for Even Though All Land Is Hereditary and Thou Already Owns Like 20 Castles

How I Lost Weight and Got in Shape by Being Cruelly Abandoned in the Desert by The King for the Last 10 Years

Silly Mistakes All Enemy Prisoners of War Make During Their First Week in the Limestone Quarry

Mermaid Athlete Fined for Wearing Human Clothes On Fish Half of Body

Is He Repulsed by Thy Boils or Is He Just Playing Hard-to-Get-the-Plague?

What an Idiot: Cuthbert Said a Dragon Is Eating His Family When ‘Tis Clearly a Wyvern

Study: High Rate of Blindness Amongst Kingdom's Freethinkers Not Linked to King Stabbing Their Eyes Out with His Eye Dagger

How to Craft the Perfect Enfeoffment Contract

Dear Dark Lord #5: Undead and Over It

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

Ye Opinion: The Jousting Tournament Should Be Canceled Until This Dogge Gives Me Back My Lance

Iron Maiden Recalled Due to Safety Flaw in Part that Impales Thy Face

So Thy Third-Favourite Wyfe Had a Tryst With the Moat Boy

Thou Hast Been Born a Peasant. Can Thou Survive to Adolescence or at Least Die in a Useful Manner?

7 Colonies That Wouldst Be Celebrating Independence Today If The King Hadn’t Crushed Them Like Cockroaches

Black Death Tips: How to Take Advantage of Shorter Lines at the Blacksmith

10 Signs Thou Wilt Never Make It As Commodore Of A Flotilla Of Longships

Worst Siege Engine Ever: This Guy Has Been Ramming His Head Into the Side of the Castle for Hours

Cuthbert Going to Be Pissed When He Realizes the Indulgence He Just Bought Is a Knock Off

How to Stay Calm in the Fortnightly Commerce Meeting Even Though the Agricultural Minister Is Clearly Not Budging on Sorghum Tariffs

The Magick-Industrial Complex

Peasant Shortage Threatens Dragon Foode Supply

The 5 Most Replaceable Family Members to Sacrifice to the Shining Orb in the Sky

He Can Pull a Sword from a Stone but Doth He Even Do Cardio?

These 5 Unruly Seaside Principalities Are Perfect for Relaxing on the Beach After Thy Punitive Expedition Brings Them to Heel

Ugh: Cuthbert Is Calling Himself a Writer Now Just Because He Learned How to Spell "Jeſuſ"

I Spent 400 Years Mastering Ye Lute but Ye Villagers Only Want to Hear “Wonderwall”

King Bans High Capacity Crossbows, Except for Use Against Peasants, Serfs, Heretics, Orcs, Dragons, Rebellions, Witches, Elves, Dark Elves, Dwarves, Reindeer, Et Al.

How to Build a Do-It-Thyself Moat With Nothing but a Lakeside Castle and 3,000 Serfs

This Well-To-Do Merchant Owes His Success To Reading Pamphlets About What Other Well-To-Do Merchants Owe Their Success To

So They Gave That Promotion to a Donkey Again

7 Sports That Don't Need to Involve Death or Dismemberment but Honestly 'Tis Way More Fun When They Do

"Cannon" and Other Types of Fodder To Use Thy Peasants As

Thy Logistical Concerns About Marrying This Merman Are Far Outweighed By The Benefits Of The Naval Alliance It Will Bring

Dragon Flyovers: Honouring Our Knights or Wasting Resources That Could Have Been Spent on Other Dragon Stuff?

Reduction in Plague Cases Devastates Bird Mask Industry

If Thou Hast Been Cursed by Helga the Wicked Thou May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation

Best Types of Weather for Lamenting the Loss of Thy Entire Regiment in Battle

Travel Restrictions Eased for the Five People Aware That There’s Something Beyond that Hillock and That Travel Is a Thing

Science: Be It Heresy or Just a Harmless Fad?

Shouldst I Trye to Leave Mine Monaſtery Even Though the Church Wonst Giveth Me Back My Hair?

The Best Moments to Make Thy Move on Thy First Date to a Public Beheading

I’m Just Happy I Grew Up at a Tyme When Wearing a Necklace of Severed Human Ears Wasn’t Considered “Too Offensive”


Experts Predict Crusades to End Wars in Middle East for All Tyme

Experts Say Waking Up at 4 a.m. Every Day to Plow the Fields Is Key to Not Being Flogged for Slothfulness

Best Ways to Flirt with the Court Jester Before He’s Killed by The King Because His Only Joke Involves Throwing a Fish Around

5 Villages The King Was Totally Justified in Burning Down

I’m Forming a Fellowship to Embark On a Quest and Don’t Ask Why but All the Fellows Need to Be Uncircumcised

Royal Sürgeon to Approve Plague Variolation for Peasants Over 40 as Soon as We Find One Who Hath Lived That Long

Doth Any Of Ye Fyne Fellows Minde If I Bum A Mouse?

How to Stop Stressing and Start Sweeping Across the Eastern Steppe Leaving a Trail of Carnage in Thy Wake

New Graveyard for Plague Bodies Not as Sinister as Olde One

5 Reasons Why Serfdom Ist Thy Calling

Oh Boye: Nobody Told Cuthbert Our Only Purpose Is to Stand Here and Get Trampled by the Cavalry

Traffick Somehow Jammed Even Though Only Like Five People In Village Can Afford A Horse

Are Thy Dandypants Dandy Enough To Prance At The Prince’s Dandypants Dance?

Top Excuses for Calling Out of Wizard Work So Thou Can Smoketh the Magick Merryberry Leaf

King Considers Building Road to Accompany Tolls

Things I Wish I Had Known About Catapult Projectiles Before I Volunteered to Be One

How to Tell if Thou Hast Fallen Out of The King’s Favour Based on How Many of Thy Sons He’s Enslaved

Fun Uses for Wheels That All Involve Breaking Heretics on Them

“Well Done, M’Lord,” And Other King-Approved Phrases To Mutter As Thou Art Trampled Underfoot By His Steed

Which Piece of Burlap Shouldst Thou Wear to Thy Cousin’s Beheading?

Inquisitor Pretty Sure There Part in Bible Where Jesus Recommends Sticking Molten Iron Spike Up Pagan’s Ænus

Bogumił Going to Be Pissed When He Learns There’s Occupations Other Than Serf

4 Tymes Easter Eggs Didst Turn Out to Be Dragon Eggs and a Whole Lot of People Didst Die

Dear Dark Lord #4: Too Heartbroken to Haunt

12 Pickup Lines Thou Wilt Never Need to Use Because Thou Art Lord of the Kingdom’s Most Fertile Grain Producing Duchy

How to Tell a Merman’s Age by Counting the Rings on His Merdong

Foode Review: Rock Pie. Because the Normal Things We Put in Pie Were Taken from Us in The Marauding

Upon Which of Thy Unworthy Heirs Shouldst Thou Bequeath Thy Demesne?

Clothes Now Available in New Shade of Pale Brown

This Productivity Wizard’s Morning Routine Will Turn Thee Into a Literal Orb of Liquid Energy

5 Adorable Forest Kittens That Unfortunately Were Devoured By Forest Bears

Non-Confrontational Strategies for Introverts to Win Back Their Ancestral Homelands from the Dark Elves

Ye Magick Asse

Thou Art a Doctor. Can Thou Balance This Patient's Humours Faster Than Satan?

5 Love Spells That Won't Change the Fact That the Syphilis Hath Racked His Brains

How Many of Thy Potential Husbands Were Killed in This Stormy Shipwreck?

Escaping to the Country to Avoid the Plague? Here's How to Choose Which Family Members to Leave Behind to Die

Fie! The Battle Starts in 5 Minutes but All Our Warhorses Are Still Fycking

Jobbe Outlook During Ye Plague

Foode Review: I Normally Wouldn’t Consider Tree Bark to Be Foode but We Had a Bad Harvest and ‘Tis All That’s Left

5 Things Only Liege Lords Know About Sitting Around Looking Regal in Capes

Quiz: Was This Roving Elf Patrol Sent to Thy Village to Bring Sweet Elf Candies or to Pacify the Resistance and Murder Its Leaders?

Three Mashèd Turnip Recipes for When Thou Hast Sold All Thy Teeth to Purchase Said Turnips

5 Fertility Rites for Couples Who Aren’t That Into Goat Sacrifice but Are Willing to Try It to Produce a Male Heir

Quiz: Art Thou Happy or Is It Just the First Tyme in a While the Dire Dragon of Evermore Hasn’t Incinerated a Relative?

Dear Dark Lord #3: Inner Demon

5 Best Villages to Maketh Out in Before the Illurhög Burns Them Down

Should the Dwarven Mining Industry Take Responsibility for Awakening the Illurhög from Its Thousand-Year Slumber and Killing Everyone in the Province?

Never Go to Battle Without Polishing Thy Brooches

"Do Peasants Eat?" And Other Questions Thou Probably Should Have Answered Before Thou Left Them in the Fields Without Food or Drink

Silly Fellow Blowing Horn to Headline Grand Tournament Halftime Show

Tavern Review: I Was Stabbed by the Barkeep and Did Not Have Tyme to Write One on Account of My Wounds

“I Am as Fertile as the Loamy Soils,” and Other Things to Shout in Publick to Attract a Suitor

Due to Unprecedented Robbing Conditions, the Merry Men May Have to Kill a Peasant or Two to Keep This Party Going

Sir Geoff and the Quest to Go on a Quest

7 Things Science Hath Taught Us About the Stars Since It Was Proven They Were Put There By Sky Fairies

How to Show Thy Belovéd Thou Hast Potential to Live Past Age 20

Foode Review: I Am A Peasant And Therefore Was Unable To Acquire Any

New Trend “Siege Sewing” Has Womyn Practicing Needlework Whilst Also Defending The Ramparts

Most Expendable People To Duck Behind During The Next Artillery Barrage

Quiz: Doth He Fancy Thee or Is He Just Dying from the Plague and Thy Body Is a Warm Convenience Upon Which to Lie Before His Imminent Death?

Why I Denounceth The Crusades Now Even Though I Took Part In Them With Gusto For The Past 200 Years

Dear Dark Lord #2: Minion Searching for Meaning

Is It One Of Those "My Sister Got Her Arm Bitten Off By A Mule" Kind Of Days?

Medieval fantasy satire. Published fortnightly.

Royal Guardsman Can’t Believe He Missing 2-for-1 Mead Flagons Night Just to Quell Insurrection

Dear Dark Lord #1: Sorcerer on the Sidelines

If Thy New Year’s Resolution Is to Lose Weight Then Thou Art in Luck Because Barbarians Just Burned Our Crops

Dark Lord Resolves to Be More Evil This Year