By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten
Every lass sometymes waketh up with something on their face they dothn’t like, such as a pimple or a massive boil since thou hast the plague. But, fie! Thou hast a date with a fellow and thou hast no clue if he won’t maketh out with thee because of thy boils or because he is health conscious and playing hard-to-get-the-plague.
Takest this fun quiz to see if thy fellow ist horrified by thy boils or just doesn’t want a wildly horrifying and fatal disease!
Thou art at a pub and thou puts thy hand on his shoulder. He:
A. Runs away and says, “Back, ye pockmarked witch womyn!”
B. Moves his seat a little farther back and says, “So how long hast thou had the plague?”
Thou sees him on the street and thou art wearing thy new hand-sewn dress with lots of goode looking flowers on it. He:
A. Stays at least 20 feet away and gives thee a thumbs up sign and throws garlic on himself to help fend off the plague.
B. Waves at thee carefully from afar and says, “That hides thy boils well, m’lady!”
He’s getting married to another womyn and thou art in the audience. After the wedding he:
A. Ist so repulsed by thy boils he can’t go through the ceremony and runneth away to start a new lyfe far from thy rotting flesh.
B. Tells thee politely to stay away from his new wife because she’s immunocompromised and also very hotte.
Mostly As. Woe ist thee, he is repulsed by thy boils! But there be plenty of other fellows out there for thee, so long as thou manages to find one in the next day or so before the plague sends thee to thy grave.
Mostly Bs. What a relief! The lad is merely health conscious and playing hard-to-get-the-plague. This would offer thy self-esteem some relief were thy death not imminent.
Goode luck fair wench! Getting a lad to notice thee — boils or not — ist hard werk!
Catherine Weingarten is a NYC based tavern wench whose etchings have appeared in McSweeney’s. Catherineplaywright.ninja