Christmastyme. When thou thinkest of Christmas, thou probably thinkest of Santa, toys, Elves, and reindeer. But didst thou know that Elves and reindeer weren’t always a part of this magickal holiday season?
In fact, it took Santa many years of trial and error before he finally found the perfect species he could enslave to do his merry bidding. Working as a slave in the North Pole requires many rare and particular skills:
perpetual joy despite thy oppressive situation;
the ability to fly whilst pulling a sleigh; and
Here are 6 other species Santa tried enslaving before he decided that Elves and reindeer were optimized for spreading Christmas Cheer throughout the Realm whilst also maximizing return on investment.
One of the first creatures Santa tried enslaving to obey his Christmas commands was Centaurs. But it turned out they were far too clumsy to make minor toy repairs, and their body shape was too awkward for a sleigh harness.
They also stink horrendously and he was pretty sure one of them had an affair with Mrs. Klaus, though to this day she denies it. Santa scrapped the entire program after a few test flights.
There are numerous races of Elf in the Kingdom, and Santa tried subjugating many of them before he ultimately went with the diminutive Toy Elves.
“The Wood Elves were too big and too pugilistic to run an efficient toy workshop,” sayeth Sir Klaus. “I spent more tyme putting down strikes and rebellions than I did making profits to expand my ever-growing toy empire. And without profits there’s no Christmas.”
According to Mrs. Klaus’s assessment reports, Unicorns performed exceptionally well in all flight tests. So well, in fact, that Santa even used them for a few Christmases in his earlier years. However, it turns out they’re not well-adjusted for the harsh North Pole tundra, and the entire species pretty much died out before Santa figured that out.
Geoff showed promise early on, but he unfortunately was eaten by Mrs. Klaus’s rotund pet dragon.
On the surface, snowy owls would appear the ideal creature to pull Santa’s sleigh. They are swift of flight, hardened to the cold, and are merciless enough to pluck the eyes out of naughty children. But their faults outweighed their many Christmassy qualities.
“Those hooting sons of bitches ate all my cookies,” sayeth Sir Klaus. He still uses them in the factories to get rid of mice, but won’t let them anywhere near a Christmas cookie.
When Santa was an up-and-coming holiday deity, he was still figuring out what his whole schtick would be. He knew that the goode little girls and boys would get presents, but he wasn’t sure what to do with the badde little girls and boys. Should he put coal in their stockings, or should he enslave them in his bitter cold factories for eternity?
He went with the latter for a couple seasons, but a lot of parents complained and honestly the kids were pretty terrible at making toys.