7 Colonies That Wouldst Be Celebrating Independence Today If The King Hadn’t Crushed Them Like Cockroaches

Summer doth make the peasants’ blood run hot, and ‘tis a well known season for rebellion in the far reaches of the Realm. Here beeth 7 Royal Colonies that wouldst be celebrating their independence today if The King hadn’t crushed their treasonous insurgents like cockroaches.

Numerica

Their traitorous calls for “no taxation without representation” only resulted in a doubling of taxes. Fools!

Rumpland

The cowards thought His Majesty couldn’t root them out in their mountain hideaways? How wrong they were!

Muskmother Island

More tithes on musk for the Muskmother Mutineers!

The Merchants’ Metropolis

These greedy merchants tried to start their own scandalous mercantile colony to escape The King’s taxes and were justly crushed.

Wortshoby Spyre

Technically this village never rebelled, and the Royal Guard burned it down during routine pillaging operations. But it still doth deserve a place on the list.

The Middling Sea Massacre

These breakaway pirates on the coast of the Middling Sea were tossed to a watery death in its torrential swells.

The Uplands

Whilst The King likes to keep the Upland Colonies in a perpetual state of unrest because subduing them gives the Army something to do, from tyme to tyme they grow so unrestful that He has to crush them outright.


In other news, a survey of the Kingdom’s liegelords shows that independence ist their favourite thing to deprive their peasants of, followed closely by joy and/or hope, not having cholera, and any form of sleep or rest whatsoever.