Many of the Kingdom’s subjects struggle to get the most out of their days. Whether they be peasants looking to increase their turnip picking output, executioners trying to maximize their daily body count, or simply lords and ladies that just want a few extra hours to do lord-and-lady things, the morning routine is key to productivity.
Many may think they hath found the ideal morning routine that helps maximize their potential to start the day. But can one truly consider oneself productive if one’s body has not assumed the form of a hovering mass of pure energy, physically embodying productivity in its most elemental form?
If thou art trying to increase thy productivity because thou art a serf and thou hast been threatened with torture if thou dost not, or if thou merely wants to streamline thy daily habits, this productivity wizard may have the plan for thee.
Ffindorax the Productivity Wizard hath been coaching people for centuries on how to kickstart their lives. The morning routine he doth recommend below will turn thee into a literal orb of liquid energy, whereupon thou can zoom amongs the clouds and kiss thy slothful and unproductive past goodbye.
1. Prepare the night before.
To ensure thou wakest up ready to morph into a ball of vigorous goo that shoots lightning, ‘tis important thou has prepared the night prior. At exactly a third-hour past compline, have a wizard cast a productivity spell upon thee at the precise moment thou lays thy head upon a pillow made of three-headed goose down. If thou can’t afford a pillow or a wizard or a three-headed goose, then just try to get a good night’s rest.
2. A reliable rooster.
A regular wake up tyme is a key step in casting off thy human form and turning into a floating globule of pure energy. ‘Tis impossible to establish any sort of morning routine if thou hast not a reliable rooster to wake thee up at the same tyme each morning. Ffindorax recommends the Crowmaster+ Smart Rooster from Sire Roosterman’s roosterium.
3. Breakfast on the souls of the damned.
This step might seem a bit extreme for those among thee not fully dedicated to a productive lyfestyle as an orb of liquid energy. But Ffindorax sayeth this step is essential.
“In our quests to be more productive, ‘tis inevitable that some souls shall be damned, and others shall be breakfasted upon,” he sayeth. “But ‘tis all worth it in the end if we’re able to produce more taxable products with which to fill the Royal Coffers.”
For nobles, Ffindorax recommends a light sunrise saunter throughst thy gardens followed by a recovery potion of fresh squeezed juices and cardamom. For peasants, just work harder.
Many of the Kingdom’s personages may be familiar with bloodletting as a cure all for disease. Why not get those same curative benefits every day? It doth require some training to bleed thyself in the proper fashion as approved by the Royal Surgeon, but with pracktice anyone can give themself a proper bleeding each morn to balance their humours and charge their orb-fire as they fly headlong into the day.
6. Sayest affirmations.
‘Tis important to tell thyself each and every morning that thou art a ball of magickal light. Tell thyself “I am a productive orb of liquid energy” over and over, and eventually it shall be true!
If thou enjoyest His Majesty’s publickation, ‘twould be wise of thee to subscribe and sharest far and wide.