By Royal Sorcerer and Mystical Advisor to The King Illagash Alvesore (with significant contributions from Part-time Executioner Maddy Schmidt)
After publick outcry to end the pillaging, burning, and massacring wrought by our Great Armies, I, Royal Sorcerer and Mystical Advisor to the King Illagash Alvesore, would like to now firmly denounce the Crusades, even tho’ I didst take part in them with gusto for the past 200 years.
When the Crusades first began, I was fully on board with the noble cause of spreading Christ’s teachings of love and tolerance to the heathens, and slaughtering them brutally if they disagreed. I stood by my King whilst he did receiveth criticism from the town criers who spread false news, and as a most loyal Sorcerer-Advisor, I didst use my own Magick to torture pagans until they converted to the Faith.
Upon reflection, it occurreth to me now that perhaps burning entire villages is not what Christ wouldst have wanted.
More importantly, our critics hath given us rude, uncalled-for names like “cruel missionary invaders,” e’en tho’ our only mission was to take control of foreign lands, settle there, and convert the locals. I hath not ruled out the possibility that the bloodiest battles were actually the work of our enemies, the Pacifists, who hath been known to dress up as Crusaders and carry out acts of violence to make us look bad.
Before thou dost ask, I am not retracting my position merely because the publick hath threatened to parade my head through the village on a pike. Rather, I received a vision from Our Lord himself, who opened mine eyes to alternatives to merciless killing. He also told me I am destined to one day hold publick office, but that is irrelevant.
Alack, I renounce all ill-deeds committed in the name of Our Lord and Our King, and especially my (comparatively small) part in them. To all those whose families I cursed, ordered to be set upon by hordes of ferocious beasts, and those whom I turned into ferocious beasts, I giveth mine sincerest apologies. I now see the error of mine ways.
I therefore resign my post as The King’s Royal Sorceror-Advisor, and would henceforth no longer like to be associated with him. However, if he wouldst like to continue my weekly allowance of gold, I shall not object.
Update: Illagash Alvesore was subsequently executed by His Majesty for so denouncing Him.
Article by Part-time Executioner Maddy Schmidt.