“I Am as Fertile as the Loamy Soils,” and Other Things to Shout in Publick to Attract a Suitor

Courtship can beeth tough, especially if thou art of marriageable age and thy hand hath not already been betrothed to a wealthy prince. But if thou finds thyself desperately graying with nary a suitor in site, useth the tried and true method of taking to the publick square at noontide and shouting thy admirable qualities at the top of thy lungs for all to hear. Here be some attractive phrases that are sure to have all the eligible noblemen fighting over thy hand.

“I am as fertile as the loamy soils!”

“My dowry is competitive with current market rates, and it also cometh with linens!”

“My father possesses 300 head of sheep whose hearty wool can be used to clothe thy troops during the winter campaign!”

“Mine dainty wrists are so weak that mineself can hardly snap the neck of a rooster for the supper pot, and I shall require thy strong manly hands for assistance on a regular basis! This shall make thee feel adequate and useful!”

“I love watching the jousts!”

“If thy wrists are also dainty we can have one of my servants kill the rooster. They come with the dowry.”

“I judge a knight not by the shininess of his armour, but by the quality of his soul!”

“Though shininess be a goode indicator of wealth and I will by no means turn thee away for having shiny armour.”

“I am as chaste as a hermetic monk locked in a tower on a remote mountaintop, cutoff from all impurities and human interaction! Unless chastity is not thy thing, in which case I got into some crazy stuff up on that mountain.”

“My favourite jouster is the same as thy favourite jouster! We can laud him together!”

“Seriously, I was locked in that tower since childhood, and a lady hath to entertain herself.”

“Mine skin be white as the winter snowfalls! Because of the tower. I was only allowed out of doors last week for the purposes of finding a suitor.”

“I am perfectly comfortable hanging out with thy friends and watching the jousts, even though all thy friends are drunken dwarf soldiers! Lo! I may e’en drink an ale or two mineself, but in a chaste and fertile manner, of course.”

“I shall laugh at all of thy jokes and tall tales, even though they’re all about jousts and drinking with dwarf soldiers and they possess not the slightest hint of a refined wit!”

“One might wonder how I can be chaste, and fertile, and also enjoy drinking with thy dwarf buddies and doing kinky tower-prison stuff at the same tyme. And to that I say, marry me and find out!”