“Thy Liegelord Left His Helmet Behind and Needs Someone to Grab It Real Quick,” and Other Reasons to Send Thy Child to The King's Crusade

By Commodius Blunderstunch, Chief Wrangler of Knaves

E’eryone doth know well the feeling of wishing they couldst send their child to the The King’s Crusade to win glory. Well now be the perfeckt tyme, for thy liegelord left his helmet there and needs someone to go and grab it real quick. In case thou needs further convincing, herein set many a reason why thou shouldst send thy progeny to The King’s Crusade (where thou shouldst also be, wert thou not such a useless knave).

  1. Thy liegelord left his helmet behind and needs someone to go and grab it real quick.

  2. ‘Tis a goode way to getteth some sun. Thy heir shall go from being a young pale wastrel to a young tan dullard who knoweth a few words of the Sacred Tongue to impress the maidens.

  3. Sir Egbert is going also.

  4. Thy offspring hath already departed. Thou mayest have thought they were dill-a-dallying long at play, but check their bedroom (which is also thy bedroom) and thou shalt notice it seemeth less crowded of late.

  5. Thy wife and thee shalt have the freedom to do the sowing and tilling thou hast always wanted to do. With one less mouth to feed, thou needs not be distracted from pressing matters and may mount a search for thy missing plow-oxen John. (A pointless endeavour, John hath also been levied to war.)

  6. Sir Egbert hath cancelled on account of his not wanting to go. Thy youngling now hath a goode opportunity for promotion!

  7. The Kingdom doth sorely lack cumin and coriander currently.

  8. He shall learn such great war songs as “‘Tis Challenging to Know Whither to Urinate” and “This Scythe Is Truly Versatile.”

  9. Thou hast not a choice anyway. Conscription ‘tis decreed by The King.