Iron Maiden Recalled Due to Safety Flaw in Part that Impales Thy Face

“The safe and agonizing execution of our customers is our number one priority.”

The Executioners’ Guild hath issued a recall on the latest model of the Iron Maiden torture device after discovering a safety flaw in the part that impales victims’ faces.

“Torturesmith shoppes throughout the Kingdom shall offer a free replacement of head spikes to any customers who hath acquired the latest Iron Maiden,” sayeth Royal Executioner Uldrick Dœrnerstone. “The safe and agonizing execution of our customers is our number one priority.”

The Guild reiterated that there hath not yet been any reports of users’ faces not being impaled, but that the recall was merely a precaution.

Whatso Be the Issue?

The latest head spikes were crafted of a size and composition of metal which, if used against a man or creature with a particularly hard skull, could prevent the Iron Maiden from fully closing, leading to a troublesome if mildly entertaining torture session. The notches for the optional eye poker extensions also do not align well with most eyes. These potentially could pierce a cheek or even a nose instead, which is slightly less painful.

Dœrnerstone sayeth orcs, stonemasons, and other hardheaded creatures be particularly prone to these flaws.

“The problem be purely a theoretical one at this point, since most orcs die in battle before we get a chance to execute them,” he sayeth. “But it be our responsibility to keep the Kingdom’s headsmen informed, lest they botch an execution and have to revert to using something boring like The Rack.”

As an interim solution, the Guild doth recommend using a Head Crusher, impaling the victims’ faces manually, or employing some other form of diabolical torture to ensure the head and face is properly maimed.

Which Items Hath Been Recalled?

The list of items included in the recall be:

  • 11-inch head spike, front, wrought iron, black colouring

  • 8-inch head spike, rear, wrought iron, black colouring

  • 4-inch eye poker, bronze, seasoned with fiery herbs and spices

  • Adjustable eye poker notch

  • Retractable screaming hole

If thine Iron Maiden hath been affected by the recall, be sure to remedy this posthaste. The punishment of The King’s enemies depends on it!


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