How to Put Subtle Pagan Undertones Into Thy Pumpkin Carving Without Provoking the Wrath of the Inquisition
Carving pumpkins ist one of the Kingdom’s favourite pastimes during the Hallow’s Eve season. And whilst carving pagan symbols into thy jack-o’-lanterns and displaying them on thy porch as a sign of defiance is a crime punishable by burning at the stake, many subjects still like to find clever methods for invoking the olde ways.
Here be some tips on how to put subtle pagan undertones into thy jack-o’-lanterns this year without being so conspicuous as to provoke the wrath of the Inquisition and get thyself burnt at the stake.
1. Make a Sad Face with Pentagram Eyes
‘Tis always fun to carve pentagrams into thy jack-o’-lanterns, but this is also likely to alert the Inquisition that there be witches conspiring under thy roof. Adding a sad face will give thee an excuse when the Inquisitors inevitably come ‘round. Simply tell them the pumpkin is sad because it hath curséd heathen symbols for eyes, and they shall agree that this is a most devout Christian pumpkin indeed for feeling this way.
2. Carve Them with a Knife Bathed in the Blood of Innocents
What better way to celebrate this ancient tradition than by carving thy pumpkins using a knife bathed in the blood of innocents! The best part is thou can carve a completely non-pagan-looking jack-o’-lantern whilst still getting all the dark magick benefits of unsullied blood. The stupid Inquisition shall never know the difference!
3. Cast a Blinding Spell Which Causes All Who Gaze Upon Thy Pumpkins to Be Stricken Blind
The Inquisition shall never know what hit them whereupon they gaze upon thy jack-o’-lanterns and are immediately stricken blind and dumb. ‘Twill be unfortunate for many of the village children who happen to gaze upon them as well, but one hath to make sacrifices in the name of goode Halloween decorations!
If thou dost enjoy Ye Olde Tyme News, rememberest to subscribe, sharest it with thine other peasant friends, and followest His Majesty on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook @yeoldetymenews.
i thanketh thee for thine tips