Dearest Subjects of the Crowne,
It hath been another long and arduous annum of plague and taxes, war and toil, subjugating peasants and other foul beasts of the Realm. But if thou art reading this, then thou hast survived to serve His Majesty for another year.
Herein be some of our top stories from the year, in no particular order, for thy perusing pleasure.
Side note: If thou art a truly loyal subject of The King, the best way to prove thy worth is to spread His Word far and wide. Tell thy fellow peasants about this newsletter and follow His Grace on the various societal mediums: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook. This esteemed compendium is written, edited, illustrated, Photoshopped, researched, etc. by a lone scribe whomst The King hath imprisoned against his will for the purpose (plus the occasional wondrous contributor). His Majesty hath promised that once Ye Olde Tyme News becomes the only source of information for all the Realm and hath crushed all competition underfoot, he will free said scribe from his captivity.
Help free this scribe.
But if thou art a petty louse who doth choose to sit in shadows and merely read The King’s stories in the comfort of thine own hovel, well, that’s fine, too. And His Majesty is very grateful for thy support.
Long live The King!
Non-Confrontational Strategies for Introverts to Win Back Their Ancestral Homelands from the Dark Elves. Sound advice, indeed!
Sir Geoff and the Quest to Go on a Quest. An epic tale of brave knight Sir Geoff’s daunting quest to go on his first ever quest.
“I Am as Fertile as the Loamy Soils,” and Other Things to Shout in Publick to Attract a Suitor. Based on feedback from our lady-readers, these work every tyme.
I Spent 400 Years Mastering Ye Lute but Ye Villagers Only Want to Hear “Wonderwall”. Such is the lyfe of a bard.
The Trousers of Fortune. A short story which describes the inner workings of how necromancers are assigned their jobs.
Everybody Told Cuthbert He Was Doing Sword Fighting Wrong. That Didn't Stop Him From Doing His Own Thing. Oh, Cuthbert.
I’m Forming a Fellowship to Embark On a Quest and Don’t Ask Why but All the Fellows Need to Be Uncircumcised. Wilt thou join me on this quest?
Livestock Are Rectangular Now And We’re So Here For It. If rectangular cows and sheep be what thou craves, well, here they are.
How to Stop Stressing and Start Sweeping Across the Eastern Steppe Leaving a Trail of Carnage in Thy Wake. More sound recommendations from our advice column.
Reduction in Plague Cases Devastates Bird Mask Industry. Luckily for bird mask makers, the plague hath rebounded and the bird mask industry hath started to recover.
Bogmother. Learn about daily lyfe as manager of the Boilbog.
What an Idiot: Cuthbert Said a Dragon Is Eating His Family When ‘Tis Clearly a Wyvern. Cuthbert at it again.
Green Knights Group Calls for Ethical Slaying of Dragons. An interview with Sir H’Roderick Fustian of the Society for the Ethical Slaying of Dragons and Other Foul Beasts of the Realm.
Jobbe Outlook During Ye Plague. Spoiler: ‘tis bleak for thee!
Dear Dark Lord Letters. Some choice letters from the Dark Lord’s advice column.
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