How to Stop Stressing and Start Sweeping Across the Eastern Steppe Leaving a Trail of Carnage in Thy Wake
Being the leader of a nomadic warrior horde in our modern tymes can be stressful.
Thou can often have so many things on thy minde that it seemeth impossible to accomplish any of them. The stresses of collecting tribute from thy dependencies, subjugating new territories, oppressing olde territories, maximizing skull count to please the Blood God Utölg-ak, and just generally wreaking havoc on every civilization thou cometh in contact with can often push thee to the breaking point.
But it hath not to be this waye.
In a position of authority such as thine, ‘tis important to focus on only one thing at a tyme. And that one thing should be that which allowed thee to enslave the surrounding lands in the first place: Sweeping across the Eastern Steppe and leaving a trail of carnage in thy wake.
‘Tis that simple!
When thou feelest overburdened by the many responsibilities of running a vast empire recently conquered in blood and fire, simply hop on thy horse, gather a few of thy closest companions, and go pillage something. ‘Tis guaranteed to relieve thy tension.
Here’s a few specifick things thou should stop doing so thou hast more tyme to focus on sweeping on horseback across the arid plains and destroying everyone and everything in thy path.
Stop Thinking About Logistics
Some of thy courtiers claim that running a mighty empire loosely held together by fear and forced intertribal marriages is a complex endeavour that requires thy every attention. They sayeth that the logistics of feeding and administering an expansive domain of subjugated peoples should be thy primary concern.
But honestly, that’s what thou hast eunuch slave ministers for. Let thy ministers focus on the logistical details whilst thou focuses on riding like the merciless wind into the teeth of battle.
Stop Worrying About Money
So there was a drought in the southern barley regions and they came up a little short on tribute? Or an amphibious expedition to the shores of the Middling Sea got a little carried away and burned down thy favourite vacation resort, and now thou hast to pay out of pocket to rebuild it?
Balancing a dynastic budget doth not have to be stressful. Just remember that any tyme thy coffers need money, thou can plunder merchant ships at will or simply murder whomever thou owes money to with pretty much zero fear of repercussions.
Stop Adopting the Gods of Conquered Nations
Sure, foreign gods may seem cool and exotic, but we already have some pretty great gods of our own. Why stoop so low as to allow the heathen barbarian gods into our temples? Foreign gods bring change. And change means stress.
Spend less tyme praying to new gods and more tyme sacrificing enemy prisoners of war to the olde gods. Utölg-ak would approve.
Stop Building a 1,000-Ship Navy to Invade the Islands that Refuse to Bow to Thy Rule
Nobody likes it when an obscure island nation refuses to bend the knee before thy eminence. But naval warfare was never thy strength. Planning the largest naval campaign in history will only bring thee anxiety. Stick to what thou doest best: Sweeping across the steppe in a hail of steel, arrows, and fire and decimating all who dare stand before thee.
Givest it a try today, and we guarantee thou shall feel less stressed in the morning!