Dear Dark Lord: My Eunuch Slave Army Gave Me A Negative Work Climate Survey
Dear Dark Lord,
I command a eunuch slave regiment in the Dark Army. It’s tough work, as you know, but it’s rewarding. I’ve always done things by the book and treated my eunuch slave soldiers exactly the way we’re taught to in Slave Army Command School: with cruelty and unbending discipline, lest they develop emotions or the will to think independently.
But despite my best efforts, our most recent work climate survey came back, and it was not good.
The soldiers complained about everything from poor working conditions, to toxic leadership (some of my lieutenants are literally amorphous heaps of acid sludge, so I understand this one to some extent), to the guy that stands outside the barracks with a whip and whips people every morning on their thighs for no reason.
Our lowest ratings of all came in their reviews of senior leadership. They said I’m “cold and detached” just because I work in a giant black tower on the top of a scorched hillside completely removed from all personal contact, and I send my minions to do all my evil bidding.
Are my minions not doing my bidding evil enough?
Should I fire/kill them?
I specifically tell them, “Don’t be cold and detached when doing my bidding, or I will kill you,” but it doesn’t seem to work.
The eunuch slave soldiers also don’t like our policy of stealing them from their families and castrating them, but that part is sort of non-negotiable. We couldn’t just have people that aren’t eunuch slaves in the eunuch slave army, right?
What should I do to turn these work climate ratings around? I’m open to any solutions, up to and including just dispatching with everyone that gave a negative rating and replacing them with some other mindless drones that will give me better ones. I hold your advice in this matter in the utmost regard.
Not-so-cold-and-detachedly thine,
Just Doing My Evilest
Dear Just Doing My Evilest,
Eunuch slave armies are tricky like that. On the one hand, you need to keep them happy because you need them to fight and die pointlessly in an unending series of wars. On the other hand, they are eunuch slaves, so at some point they just need to accept that their lives are going to suck.
Personally, I wouldn’t get too bent up over one bad work climate survey. It’s Dark Army policy that we eliminate anyone who gives our leadership negative reviews, so you can expect that my agents have already gotten rid of some of those troublemakers.
It could help to have a little more personal contact though. When your eunuch slave army is gathered at the base of your dark tower in preparation for battle, instead of issuing orders through your minion lieutenants, try levitating in the air above the crowd (If you’re able to levitate in the air, that is. I can’t remember if this was on your résumé.) while a thunderstorm rages above you. This way they can see that you’re not just some evil overlord that hides away in his dark tower while they all do the dirty work, but you’re an evil overlord who hovers over their heads menacingly while they do all the dirty work. It seems like just a small difference, but it’s the little things that matter in this business.
As far as the minions who can’t seem to do your bidding correctly, I wouldn’t worry about it. The thing about minions is that no matter what you do with them, it doesn’t matter. Fire them, kill them, promote them to general, it literally won’t affect anything one bit.
Most importantly, you need to look long and hard at your own leadership style. If you keep getting negative feedback, maybe the problem isn’t your castrated underlings, maybe the problem is you. Ask yourself:
Have I been the domineering and iron-fisted overlord my minions expect me to be? If not, how can I change?
What can I do to better keep my slave soldiers blindly loyal and obedient to my every whim?
Who do I need to punish to make that happen?
So take a look around, then take a look inside yourself, and start being the tyrant I know you were meant to be. If you don’t, I can easily replace you with someone more evil.
Not a threat, just a fact.
Putrid dogflesh unto thee,
Dark Lord Dörgu Bøgerleshk, Bane of the Nrymbobl, Usurper of Forlorn Souls, Blood Govourner of the Flaming Infernal Swamplands
Dear Dark Lord letters: