Dear Dark Lord #3: Inner Demon

Dear Dark Lord,

People these days talk a lot about having inner demons. They talk about that invisible voice in their head that drives them to do bad things. Even the most horrid creatures of the Realm think they’re good at their core, that it’s their inner demons that silently nudge them towards the path of darkness.

For the most part they’re right. I know this firsthand because I am a literal inner demon. It’s my job to make good people do bad things.

Currently, I live inside a wizard named Jögg.

Jögg used to be a good wizard, before I moved into his head. A forest wizard actually. Could talk to animals and such. But with my help, he finally turned the corner. Started burning down entire swaths of woodland and zapping every living creature he laid eyes on with his wizard staff.

It wasn’t easy changing him like that. I put in decades to bring him over to the Darkness, and he fought it every step of the way. But I’d put a little whisper in his ear here, a little devious incentive there. Eventually he came around. We had some good times evaporating rivers and making species go extinct for no real reason other than to be evil. He’d give me credit a lot of the time, too. Like, every time he’d explode an otter or flip a turtle on its back, he’d say, “That’s my inner demon again.”

It’s nice to be recognized for your work.

As the years went by, we were making some real progress in the name of Evil, and I was optimistic, in an evil sort of way.

But lately things have changed. It’s like there’s a voice in my head holding me back. In my head. We’ll be ready to strike a flock of geese with black lightning or something, and I’ll hear a little whisper say, “Stop!”

I know it sounds crazy, but I think I might have an inner demon of my own. A good inner demon.

It’s making me nervous. Just the other day Jögg planted a tree. I’m worried I might have told him to do it.

Have you ever had an inner demon? Do you know how I can excise it? If I don’t do something quick, I’m worried Jögg might relapse and become a good wizard again. Please help!

Fiendishly thine,

Inner Demon

Dear Inner Demon,

Calm down. Take a breath.

From what you’re telling me, I’d say Evil is still coming out on top. So Jögg plants a tree here, or flips a turtle back on its feet there, but the net Evil he’s accomplished since you infested his soul far outweighs the good he’s done since.

No demon can completely monopolize a person’s soul. Pure Evil is more of an idealistic thing they teach you about in demon school. Out in the real world there’s always going to be some back-and-forth between the Forces of Darkness and the Forces of Light. Sure, Pure Wickedness is an ideal that we can strive towards, but we’ll never be perfect.

The Darkness works in mysterious ways. While this good inner demon might seem like a curse now, maybe there’s a silver lining.

Maybe you were getting soft, and a little challenge was just what you needed to get back on your game. Maybe Jögg’s Dark Energy has burnt out and it’s time to kill him and move on to inhabit another flesh host.

I don’t know. What I do know is that inside every inner demon is another inner demon fighting to be heard. And inside that inner demon is another inner demon, and so on.

It’s demons all the way down, baby. Get used to it.

Nobody said being Evil would be easy. It’s not like we’re living in some paradise where every living creature is a tortured imp-slave suffering through constant agony and everything is on fire and smells like a decaying merman corpse. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Nope. Here in the Dark Army we deal with our inner demons as they come. They throw a punch, we throw back two. They throw another, we burn their civilization to the ground and desecrate their temples.

Keep swingin’ out there, Inner Demon. Keep burning, keep desecrating. There’s going to be ups and downs on this journey, but as long as every being becomes Evil in the end, or otherwise suffers an agonizing demise, all is well.

Putrid dogflesh unto thee,

Dark Lord Dörgu Bøgerleshk, Bane of the Nrymbobl, Usurper of Forlorn Souls, Blood Govourner of the Flaming Infernal Swamplands


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