I’m Forming a Fellowship to Embark On a Quest and Don’t Ask Why but All the Fellows Need to Be Uncircumcised

Wilt thou join me?

As a valiant knight-errant, the need for chivalrous adventures runneth hot in my blood. There be many dragons to slay and damsels to rescue, and if I don’t do something about it the forces of evil shall be able to cast their dark shroud over an ever-greater part of the Kingdom.

But I cann’t go it alone, which is why I’m forming a Mighty Fellowship, the likes of which the Realm hath ne’er seen.

I require nine souls with hearts of lions and swords of steel (or, at a minimum, swords of bronze and hearts of larger-than-average cats) to join my Fellowship and embark on this adventure. Be they men, or Elves, or Dwarves, or even Frœnchmen I care not, for no enemies of The King shall stand in our path and live to tell of it!

Also, and this last point is very important and don’t ask why, but everyone needs to be uncircumcised.

Many dangers await us in the days ahead. We shall travel on horseback o’er flaxen plains, on foote through the swampy marshes, ‘cross the treacherous rocks of the Crags of Bragvoth, our band of companions with our uncircumcised pœnises ever seeking out greater challenges. Through all our fellowship shall endure. 

I realize that the “uncircumsized” part can causeth many would-be questors to take a pause. But I assure thee that this has nothing to do with the fact that the troll guarding the bridge over the Crags of Bragvoth only accepts foreskins as payment. It is also unrelated to the Witches of the North Wood, who will devour a circumcised man whole and cook him in their cauldrons but are generally grossed out by uncircumcised guys.

Wilt thou answer the call and join me on this quest? Is thy fortitude intact as well as thy foreskin? If so, then show up at the gates of the castle at dawn on the day of the Shrieking Moon with a suit of armour and a doctor’s note verifying that thou art uncircumcised. Also, if thou knowest of anywhere we can get horses please let me know ahead of time, otherwise we’ll have to take camels and I be slightly allergic.

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