Livestock Are Rectangular Now and We’re So Here For It
Coming Soon: Rhombus Chickens
Hast thou ever thought: “I wish mine oxen, sheep, and other livestock were rectangular in shape”?
Hast thou also ever thought: “What is a rectangule? I am merely a dull and ignorant peasant who knows naught of maths and geometries”?
Well, thou shan’t wait any longer for an answer to the former, for livestock are now rectangular and we’re so here for it! (As to the latter, well, nothing we can do about that, ye filthy peasant!)
Royal Husbandman Lœven Stockmannis doth explain howso these euclidean beasts are raised to such congruous proportions.
“Mainly, ye just have to feed them lots of rectangular foodes. Rectangular biscuits, rectangular nutcakes, rectangular water. And lots of it,” he sayeth. “Ye are the geometrical shapes of the foode ye eats, or so they say.”
Shapely livestock are all the rage amongst the Kingdom’s élite. Straight sides and perfect right angles on the rump and brisket are surefyre signs of one’s wealth and status.
“I mineself wouldst ne’er take my pet sheep for a stroll ‘round the Commons unless she was at least a parallelogram,” sayeth Lord Boſefus Liddlepric. “I wouldst ne’er take a stroll ‘round the Commons anywise because they’re filled with poors, but ‘tis beside the point.”
Whilst Stockmannis’s team of husbandmen hath not yet succeeded in breeding triangular or otherwise-shaped animals, he sayeth one ne’er doth know what the future may hold for the field of geometrical husbandry.
“I’m working on a seven-sided swine to enter in the best-in-show contest at Swinefest next year,” sayeth Stockmannis. “But seven sides ist where I draw the line.”
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