7 Sports That Don't Need to Involve Death or Dismemberment but Honestly 'Tis Way More Fun When They Do

The Kingdom ist known for its myriad of entertaining sporting contests, moste of which involve some form of death or dismemberment. But many sportsmen claimeth that, for the safety of the athletes, death and dismemberment shouldst be an occasional feature rather than an essential part of every single match.

Not that we care what mere sportsmen think — especially when their suffering is entertaining to us — but here be some sports that don’t necessarily need to involve death or dismemberment, even though ‘tis way more fun when they do.

  1. Ox Jumping. ‘Tis technically possible to put some sort of burlap padding o’er the Ox’s horns so it doesn’t brutally maul all the Jumpers. ‘Tis also possible to invent a scoring system that doesn’t award points only when the Ox mauls and/or kills somebodie. But ‘tis already the Kingdom’s moste popular sport, and ‘twouldn’t be the same if we changed that.

  2. Jousting. If the Royal Magistrate of Tournaments and Jousts actually cared about knights’ safety, he wouldst pass a rule saying that lances should be made out of something less lethal than hardwood and steel. At the same tyme, being in the crowd to catch a stray piece of lance or a chip of shoulderbone after a goode charge is half the fun! A bonechip from thy favourite knight ‘tis a fyne heirloom to frame and place upon thy sonne’s boneshelf.

  3. Mêlée Boats. The whole purpose of this sport is to kill and maim as many people as possible and toss them fromme their boats into the icy waters below. We doth suppose it couldst be done in some less lethal form that doth not involve drowning. Or it couldst use some sort of scoring system other than “alive” or “dead”, but who wouldst watch that?

  4. Rackball. Whosoever thought up the idea of bouncing a ball ‘round a prisoner who ist being tortured on the rack and calling it a sport is a genius. Whilst torture is pretty much the whole game and the ball really doth not affect the outcome a’tall, the Ballman doth not necessarily have to be kilt as well.

  5. Archery. Sure, we couldst use targets that aren’t living peasants. And sure, we don’t have to let the tournament continue until all the targets are dead. The main concern here is expense, as peasants are so much cheaper than target materials.

  6. Eyes Höckie. The whole sport involves gouging out the other players’ eyes and sliding them ‘cross the ice, so we guess it couldn’t be played without a little bit of ocular dismemberment. We couldn’t really imagine enjoying this sport without the gouged eyes, though they couldst probably do away with the ritual execution of the losing team.

  7. War. Not technically a sport. And death and dismemberment are pretty much mandatory. But ‘tis surely fun to watch!

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