King Bans High Capacity Crossbows, Except for Use Against Peasants, Serfs, Heretics, Orcs, Dragons, Rebellions, Witches, Elves, Dark Elves, Dwarves, Reindeer, Et Al.

By B.S. Rendellshire of House Perineum, Garderobe Wash Squire

Amid the Kingdom’s 22nd Mass Peasant Pillaging this month, The King hath announced an immediate ban on all high capacity crossbows, except for use against those whom He deems undesirable. This list includes peasants, serfs, heretics, orcs, dragons, rebellions, witches, Elves, Dark Elves, Dwarves, reindeer, and many others to be determined by The King’s mood at any given tyme. 

Despite this rather inclusive and wide-encompassing definition of undesirable, this announcement wast met with the highest chagrin from an angry pitchfork and torch brandishing mob.

“What art these peasants SO ON ABOUT?” sayeth Royal Guard Captain Sterkbyg Bygsterkson. “One arrow is PLENTY to release a man from his Earthly mortal shackles! No need for these frilly ‘repeating’ or ‘multi-nocking’ gimmicks, I say! NO NEED!”

The Royal Guard also made a point of noting to thee embattled spectators that this was only a mild, incrementalist regulation that wouldn’t actually do a considerable amount to curtail violence, and that serfs and peasants are still welcome to torture, maim, flay, bludgeon, eviscerate, impale, immolate, mutilate, decapitate, dismember, and dispatch of one another in as many other ways as they please.

“Thou still hast swords! Maces! Lances! Axes! Trebuchets! Gunpowder artillery!” sayeth Bygsterkson. “Go wildst with thine Thumb Screws, Brazen Bulls, Breast Rippers, Head Crushers, Judas Cradles, Limb Racks, ANY fycked up shyte in thine chamber domiciles! Fyck it, go high-capacity for all mecares, just so long as it remains on, like, ye down low!”

Ne’ertheless, the angry mob was still quite perturbed and displeased by Our Noble King’s proclamation.

“How amst I supposed to defend me clan’s manure shed from 40-50 feral swine, absent a trustworthy repeater crossbow and 500 bolts of ammunition on hand?” lamented one peasant. “How canst one corroborate that the last mass pillaging even happened? We only received word from a written scroll, and none of us can read!”

Fortunately, The King cares not about the publick outrage or the publick. Bans are slated to be implemented within the fortnight, so satiate thine bloodlust whilst thou still can!


B.S. Rendellshire is a lowly scribe hailing from thy dishonorable House Perineum clan. When not wiping away Thy Royal Family's humors and bodily excretions from the garderobe, he works as a freelance scribe and indentured servant for Ye Olde Tyme News. When not working, he enjoys spending free time among the company of beasts of burden, studying Eros scrolls in his private chamber, or hitting thy Town Square to catch the latest public execution.