7 Things Science Hath Taught Us About the Stars Since It Was Proven They Were Put There By Sky Fairies

Science. Some calleth it blasphemy, others calleth it the way of the future. But loveth it or hateth it, if there be one thing for certain ‘tis that the best science is based on dogma and outlandish but long-ingrained mythical beliefs. And, of course, on the Scientific Decrees of The King. As such, here beeth 7 things that science hath taught us about the stars in the night sky since ‘twas scientifically proven that they were put there by Sky Fairies.

  1. The Sky Fairies are the sworn enemies of the Sun. In the Elden Days, the Sun grew too great in power and the Sky Fairies feared it would hold a monopoly over supplying light to the Realm. When they failed to negotiate a light-supplying contract that was acceptable to both sides, they mustered a great Star Army to battle for control of the skies. The Sun gained control of the Day, whilst the Star Army gained control of the night. To this day they continue to battle to win o’er the other side’s territory. This scientific story is already so well-known that no further information is needed to prove it as fact.

  2. Shooting stars beeth flaming artillery aimed to strike the Sun from the sky. Thus far none has hit its mark. One would think after all this tyme they would have hit the Sun at least once, seeing as it’s so big and bright, but maybe they just have bad eyesight.

  3. Many great constellations were created to honour The King. The many images of beasts and battles drawn in the night sky celebrate the exploits of His Majesty. The Sky Fairies put these there in homage to Him a thousand years ago or maybe more.

  4. Believing anything else is punishable by death. This is a scientific law. Some hath said ‘tis not scientific at all, and some are dead.

  5. The constellations of peasants were put there to remind them to get back to work. The well-known constellations Peasant Digging a Hole and Hunched-over Peasant Pulling Turnips were not put there to recognize the achievements of the lowborne, as many believe. They were put there to remind the Kingdom’s peasants that e’en though the night may bring them a brief reprieve from toil, it is to toil that they shall return in the morn.

  6. The stars were created from the seed of the Sky Fairies. It doth seem gross, and the scientist who proposed the theory was later shown to be a drunkard who accidentally wandered into the Academy and gave a lecture whilst looking for the tavern’s privy. But The King took a liking to this theory so now it’s a fact.

  7. Thou can’t shoot them with arrows, so please stop trying. Even with the most powerful bow, the stars are too high to hit. Just because we hath not discovered gravity yet doth not mean thy arrows won’t fall back down on thy face and kill thee. Please stop trying to shoot them with arrows. Many people are getting hurt.