5 Reasons to Burn Witches at the Stake Now that Burning-at-the-Stake Season is Over
Don't put thy torches away just yet!
By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten
Oh no! Burning-at-the-stake season is over!
One of the best times of year hath passed, but what lucke for thee: we hath conjured up 5 new reasons to still burn those awful witches at the stake!
1. Lighting Fyre to a Village
‘Tis truly badde etiquette to try to burn a whole village down in self-defence! If a womyn wants to see her fellow village members in flames, she is clearly a witch!
2. Having an Affair with Thy Husband
If a womyn hooketh up with thy husband, ‘tis clear she’s a witch because thy husband isn’t even that hot. What’s wrong with her?
3. Wearing Black
There be only one reason for a womyn to weareth black: she is a witch and wants to turn all of thy pigs into cabbage! Burn her! And ne’er mind that her clothes are only charred black from the last tyme thou tried to burn her at the stake.
4. Being in the Vicinity of a Broomstick
If any lady hangeth out near a broomstick thou knowest what kind of person she is. Even if she sweeps with a broomstick, ‘tis definitely a sign she hath been possesséd by a demon and wants to turn all of thy flowers into weeds.
5. Using the Word “Witch” in Conversation
What more obvious proof that a womyn is a witch than the fact that she’s aware of the existence of witches! Why wouldst anyone else talk about a witch besides a witch? Well-behaved womyn mind their manners and talk of sugar and suckling newborns.
Catherine Weingarten is a NYC-based tavern wench whose etchings have appeared in McSweeney’s. Catherineplaywright.ninja