5 Fertility Rites for Couples Who Aren’t That Into Goat Sacrifice but Are Willing to Try It to Produce a Male Heir

As many couples knoweth, producing a male heir is not easy. Some tryeth for years without success to produce a rightful inheritor to their titles and estates. But if the fruit of thy loins hath seen fit to produce only useless daughters or no progeny a’tall, there beeth hope for thee yet. Here be 5 fertility rites for couples who aren’t necessarily into goat sacrifice but are willing to try it in order to produce a male heir.

1. Classic Goat Sacrifice. We’re talking stone altars, priests, blood-curdling chants, and a big knife. If that doth sound like thy preferred way of appeasing the gods to produce a male heir, then Classic Goat Sacrifice may beeth for thee.

2. The Garlands Slaughter. If nature be more thy thing, then tryeth the Garlands Slaughter to boost thy male-making potency. After a bacchanalian parade ‘round the lake, a goat will be peacefully slaughtered on a bed of garlands in a serene forest glen, and thy womb will be graced with an heir.

3. Diet Rite. For the fainter of heart, no blood be required. Simply slap a goat in the face until thou becomest pregnant with a son.

4. The Rite of Vjórtblœdr. This fertility rite is for particularly unlucky couples who hath had the bad luck of birthing many daughters and now must employ extreme measures to produce a son. One must not only sacrifice a goat with thine own hands, but must drinkest of the blood from a bronze chalice blessed by the High Priest Cenaweir. Cenaweir’s services will cost thee a pretty coin, but it may be worth it if thou hast been cursed with daughter-making seed.

5. Intercourse. If all else fails, some sayeth that normal copulation works, so long as thou sacrifices a goat beforehand or during.