Which Piece of Burlap Shouldst Thou Wear to Thy Cousin’s Beheading?

‘Tis always important to dress for the occasion. But fashion choices can beeth tough in this modern daye and age, especially when choosing what to wear to a relative’s execution. But worry not, for we hath thee covered! Here’s how to choose which piece of burlap thou shouldst wear to thy cousin’s beheading.

Thy Fynest Evening Burlap

Thy evening burlap is reserved for only the specialist of occasions. It hath not yet been soiled by the toils of the day, so is sure to make an impression amongst the crowd of filthy peasants gathered to shout and throw cabbages at thy doomed kin. If thou art looking to make a grand entrance that sayeth, “I shall not let my cousin’s beheading cramp mine sense of style,” then thy evening burlap be the way to goe.

Standard Work Burlap

Wert thou part of the heretical conspiracy that thy cousin is being executed for? In that case, thou wilt want to blend in lest the Royal Guard picks thee from the crowd and executes thee as well! Thy standard work burlap will help thee look inconspicuous amongst the rest of the sordid rabble.

Mourning Burlap

Whilst thy cousin certainly deserves his fate for doing whatever it is he did to upset The King, thou nonetheless weeps for his demise. Wear thy bleakest mourning burlap to evince thy sadness that he was such a fool to turn foul of The King.

Merrymaking Burlap

In stark contrast to thy mourning burlap, thy merrymaking burlap showeth that thou rejoices at the death of one of His Majesty’s detractors. Though he be thy cousin, thou shalt drink and be merry whilst thou throws cabbages upon the scoundrel. For no enemy of The King be a kin of thine!