By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten

Love beeth a hard thing, especially when thou can be kissing thy belovéd and having him whisper sweet nothings in thy ear about thy perfect dandelion hair one day, then keel over from the plague the next. But thou hast got this girl! Read forth in order to show thy belovéd thou hast potential to live for at least 22 winters.

• Eateth stew with vegetables and mention “mine sweet health” at least 10 times per day

• Mention thy many relatives who are 30 or older and introduce him so he knows they are real 

• Whenever possible, carry heavy objects nearby him and hang out with oxen so he knows thou possesses strength

• When thou copulates, make sure to show a healthy vigor and say things like “My womb is fruitful as a vernal garden!”

• Go to the witch doctor with thy belovéd and get her to cast a vitality spell on thee in exchange for a kidney (preferably his)

• Maketh sure to firmly secure thy undergarments so he won’t notice thy arm hath fallen off.

Followeth this authoress on Instagram @cwweingarten and seeth more at Catherineplaywright.ninja.

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