Walking the Plank Still Number 1 Cause of Death Amongst Scallywags
Avast ye! There be many ways for mutinous scoundrels to meet their end on the high seas. From being marooned on a desert island to accidental falls from a crow’s nest, there really be no limit to the different means in which they may meet their demise. But according to a new study from the Royal Institute of Pirate and Privateer Studies, walking the plank remains the number one cause of death amongst disobedient scallywags.
Herein be some of the moste common ways that scallywags and mutinous picaroons are sent to Davy Jones’ locker, according to this groundbreaking new study.
Walking the Plank Tops the List
It may cometh as no surprise that the moste classic execution method for rebellious shipmates ist still the moste popular. Pirate captains hath preferred the simplicity and showmanship of walking the plank e’er since the invention of the plank by Sir Lionel Plank fifty years ago.
“When it comes to killing thy mutinous crew members, thou really cannot beat the theatrics and raw emotional effect of walking the plank,” sayeth Captain Jack Slashgutte, a retired pirate captain whomst contributed to the study. “As a general practice, ‘tis goode to make someone walk the plank at least once a month, just to send a message to any would-be mutineers.”
But walking the plank isn’t the only way in which rapscallions meet their salty end. In second place is generally abysmal hygiene and lyfe choices. Not surprising, considering becoming a pirate in the first place is a pretty terrible career decision. And once aboard a galley, ‘tis unlikely a pirate will practice any form of personal hygiene whatsoever.
Other Interesting Ways to Die at Sea
The third most common cause of death amongst rebel pirate scum is miscellaneous plunging to the briny deeps. This may include slips, trips, falls, and “accidentally” being stabbed and thrown overboard in the night by the first mate.
Krakens still account for 11% of scallywag deaths. But that number hath been going down in recent years, mainly because the collateral damage from a kraken sacrifice is likely to kill everyone on the ship, making pirate captains less apt to seek out krakens for disposing of their mutineers. The 9% of scallywags that die in fishing accidents also includes those whomst were strangled with fishing wire or beat to death and stabbed with a swordfish.
Perhaps the moste surprising finding is that mermaids and sirens luring pirates to their death only account for about 7% of scallywag deaths. ‘Tis a goode thing, too, being as this is the preferred way to die at sea, and the scoundrels don’t deserve such a clean death.
What This Means for Scallywags
The Royal Institute of Pirate and Privateer Studies doth hope this information can help current and future corsair captains when deciding where and when to dispose of their scallywags and landlubbers. In these modern days, there be plenty of interesting ways to kill thy mutineers other than marooning or just waiting around until they inevitably die of scurvy. Shiver me timbers!