The Best Moments to Make Thy Move on Thy First Date to a Public Beheading

By Catherine Weingarten

A first date with a lass is a nerve-wracking moment for any young lad. And it can be especially hard when thou wants to “make thy move,” but there’s a public beheading going on and people are constantly screaming and crying “Kill him!!” and throwing popped millet in thy face. Readest these useful tippes to find the right moment to get that romance a-brewing.

  1. Pre-execution Gossiping Tyme. Before the condemned is taken out on the gallows, there’s a good 10 minutes whilst everyone gossips about how horrible the accused is and how they “stole their groceries” or “killed their dögge” or whatever. This is a great moment to not gossip about the accused and instead casually put an arm around thy lady’s shoulder. A natural way to do this is to feign a simple yawn as if thou wert stricken by fatigue from many hours working the smithy, but thy hand goes around her shoulder instead. Very organic!

  1. Ye Foode Tossing Part. When the accused is onstage and everyone starts pelting food at them and saying “Ye suck!” this is a great moment to get a second away from the mayhem and tell thy lass, “I would never pelt food at thy face if thou wert publicly beheaded. I would just scream a little.” If she smiles, ‘tis the tyme to go in for a kiss. But beware of rotting fish near thy heads as thou goes at it because people love to throw that.

  1. Game Tyme. During the beheading, the stadium gets very quiet, which is the perfect moment to say, “Thou makest me lose mine head, gurl!” and go in for another kiss. If she protests and says, “Fair sir, I want to watch the man die!” then maybe she’s just not that into thee.

Goode luck, fair sir! While some may picketh other dates such as a dinner at a romantic tavern or a boat ride, a public beheading is an exciting date because there’s lots of excitement to enhance the moode!

Catherine Weingarten is a NYC based tavern wench whose etchings have appeared in McSweeney’s. Seeth more at