In the wide world of foode criticism one never knows which delicacies one will come upon in one’s travels. I mineself have reviewed spices from the East, exotic seafood dishes on the shores of the Great Middling Sea, and of course many a flagon of ale.
Despite all this, I was nonetheless taken unawares when mine editor told me to write a foode review of arrows. ‘Twas surprising enough that an arrow happened to hit me directly in the mouth on my saunter to work in the morn, but ‘twas doubly so when it became apparent that ‘twas impossible to remove it and so now I shall be tasting arrow for the rest of my lyfe. It also makes eating other foodes quite difficult and painful, and I need to write something if I want to keep my jobbe.
These being the antecedent circumstances, here be my review of arrows, which, seeing as there is one permanently stuck in my mouth now, mine editor told me are to be considered foode.
Ash, or maybe poplar. The iron arrowhead tastes faintly of someone else’s blood, so I fear I got a used one. B-
One wouldst assume ‘twas free, but the bæstard of an archer whomst shot me had the gall to demand five pfennigs in payment since we couldst not remove the arrow to return it to him. D+
I lost my nose in a previous arrow volley so I can’t say for sure. But mine editor tells me it smells the way an arrow is expected to smell. C
Not typically a quality one looks for in foode, but considering I was at least twenty furlongs from the nearest battlefield when the arrow struck me, I’d say ‘twas quite inaccurate. F
This whole experience has been quite excruciating and I am convinced I shall probably die soon on account of it. The only redeeming quality of eating an arrow is the taste, but even there I only lucked out in that it didn’t hit my tongue. I would sincerely advise anyone against getting shot in the mouth by an arrow or otherwise eating one in the future.
Godspeed, and Long Live The King!