10 Pickup Lines That Always Work Because Thou Art Rescuing a Princess from Lyfetyme Imprisonment in a Tower and Are Honestly Her Only Option At This Point

By B.S. Rendellshire of House Perineum, Garderobe Wash Squire

Gentlemen, fellows, noble patriarchs of the Realm, thou art well-acquainted with traditional courtship rituals by now: storm castle, slay antagonist guarding chamber, rescue hapless damsel in distress, rinse, repeat. 

But, O! how can one expect to court a fair maiden without a succinct, artful, and wittiful quyp? Without the masterful wordsmithery of a bard, how can one expect to turn their princess into an unquestioning, subservient seductress?

Whilst mineself ist but a lowly wash squire whomst hath come not upon the chance to employ such poetry, if such a tyme ever were to arise, here art some pickup lines that I suppose couldst work so long as the lady is a princess who hath been imprisoned in a secluded tower from a young age and thou art honestly her only option at this point.

  1. With luck, a dragon be not the only thyng getting slain tonight!

  1. Art thou a crematory urn? For I’d be willing to incinerate mineself to ashes just to get inside of thee.

  1. One cannot spell “Prithee, rescue me from captivity in this desolate and dreary tower” without “thee” and “me.”

  1. Be thou the ague? Because thou makest me sweat uncontrollably in feverish fits in the night, and I shall in all likelihood perish on the morrow. 

  1. Thou must be a seditious pamphlet issued by rebel heretics in the Border Provinces, because merely gazing upon thee feels borderline sinful and punishable with death by boiling.

  1. I understand if m’lady wouldst detest lifelong servitude as mine obedient property, but dost thou at least have an OnlyDamsels I could subscrybe to?

  1. Art thou related to Prince Thomas My-Thou-Hast-A-Lovely-Figure? Because I heard he is willing to provide a sizeable dowry to any man whomst betrothes one of his relations.

  1. Is that dagger leveled at mine throat in malice, or is that just the standard greeting for anyone that approaches thee in this dark and curséd prison?

  1. I cannot read or write, but if I could, I would imagine there are letters which represent “you” and “I,” in which case I wouldst rearrange the alphabet (whatever that is) to place them side-by-side.

  1. Art thou here for a long tyme or a goode tyme? Genuine question, since we’re probably not making it to age 33.

    Subscribe now

B.S. Rendellshire is a lowly scribe hailing from thy dishonorable House Perineum clan. When not wiping away Thy Royal Family's humors and bodily excretions from the garderobe, he works as a freelance scribe and indentured servant for Ye Olde Tyme News. When not working, he enjoys spending free time among the company of beasts of burden, studying Eros scrolls in his private chamber, or hitting thy Town Square to catch the latest public execution.