Buttwipers' Guild Facing Kingdom-Wide Shortage of Clean Hands
Lo! The recent outbreak of the plague hath caused the Kingdom's subjects to wipeth their butts en masse for some reason. Now, the honourable Guild of Buttwipers beeth overworked and cann't hardly cleaneth their hands in tyme to wipe all of the Kingdom's holes.
Many townsfolk hath been defecating out their windows and hathing to wait hours for a clean-handed Buttwiper to lather their ænuses down. Some Wipesmen hath even resorted to wiping butts with their feet and elbows due to the high demand.
'Tis a scary tyme in the Kingdom indeed when even many a knight of goode repute hath to wait hours for a qualified Buttwiper, or else go into battle with a soiled behind. The King, of course, doth not hath such problems, for He always keepeth at least a dozen Wipesmen on staff to tend to His every fæculent need.
Stayest safe, ye subjects of the Crowne, and doest thy best to keep thy buttholes clean!