Many younglings hath dreams of one day sailing the high seas in command of a fleet of amphibious warships. And rightfully so. ‘Tis a promising and honourable profession that any enterprising young warlord should aspire to.
But not e’eryone possesses the skill and tactical prowess needed to lead a band of sea marauders to successfully plunder vulnerable coastal enclaves. Here be 6 signs thou wilt never make it as commodore of a flotilla of longships, no matter how hard thou tries.
Thou Art Prone to Seasickness
If thou art stricken with a case of the Rickety Sea Legs e’ery tyme thou embarks on a voyage in choppy waters, chances are thou wilt ne’er command an amphibious raid of any sort.
Oarsmen Don’t Respect Thee
How can one be expected to lead the flotilla into the blue if mere oarsmen doth not e’en respect thee? The oarsmen are the engines of the longship, and thy fleet won’t get far without commanding their respect or at least having some ruthless and loyal First Mates to instill fear in their hearts.
Too Many Appendages That Aren’t Hooks. Or Too Many Appendages That Are
Although the former condition can be rectified, a goode Commodore must have between one and three appendages made of hooks to do the jobbe effectively. A missing eye be an added bonus, so long as ‘tis not thy goode eye.
Thou Flunked Out of Commodore School
Considering the entire curriculum consists merely of standing on a ship’s bridge looking commanding, this be a telltale sign thou wast not cut out for the jobbe.
Thou Art Afeard of Krakens
A Commodore must be able to confront sea creatures of all types during journeys into uncharted waters. If thou fears the great tentacles of the Kraken, then mayhaps a landward profession be more thy style.
Poor Timber Quality ‘Round Thy Homeland
One can hardly commission a fleet without suitable timber from which to build it. An ample supply of hardy shipbuilders or prisoners of war willing to work for little or no pay also helps.
Thou Art Susceptible to the Scurvy
Seafarers must dine on naught but hardtack and ale for months at a stretch. If thou art inclined towards the scurvy then thou shalt find thy bodie cast o’erboard before trip’s end.
Thou Art Not an Alcoholic
It hath been writ in law that none shall become a captain of ships unless he be a berserking alcoholic. ‘Tis impossible to maintain one’s sanity on the high seas otherwyse.
Lack of Suitable Harbours in Which to Refit
If thou lives amongst the craggy shores of the northern coasts, then thou wouldst be well-advised to launch thy expeditions o’erland instead of o’ersea. Many an audacious young admiral hath seen their ships dashed upon the rocky shoals during a foolhardy naval campaign thoughst such hazards.
No Family Ties to Seafaring Officership
Last but not least, e’eryone ist borne into their profession. So if thou wast not conceived of the hardy stock of Sea Captain loins, then thy dreams of commanding a flotilla of longships hath already been cast into the deep. But worry not, for the Kingdom always needs plenty of peasants and cannon fodder to serve in the terrestrial army!
Watchest this video of a peasant trying to be a siege engine:
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