5 Fall Flavours That Will Make Thee Say "I Cannot Taste Any Of These Because The King Cut My Tongue Out For Blasphemy"

As the weather takes a turn from the sultry days of summer to the crispness of autumn, those that can afford foode goeth wilde for the harvest season’s flavours. Whither indulging in a hot drink to warm thy bones by the fire, or gathering with thy fellow nobles for a grandiose feast at the taxpayers’ expense, the flavours of fall are delicious so long as one hath a tongue with which to taste them.

Here be some succulent fall flavours that shall maketh thee say, “I cannot taste any of these because The King cut my tongue out for blasphemy.”

Ghostpumpkin Spyce

Nearly as fiery as the words which spewed from thy mouth and prompted His Majesty to remove thy vulgar tongue, ghostpumpkin spyce ist perhaps the quintessential fall flavour that a blasphemer like thee doth not deserve to taste.

Poison Apple Cider

Whilst one who still possesses a tongue wouldst be able to tell that this cider hath been poisoned by an evil witch, thy tongueless self shall fail to distinguish the difference. Therefore, thou shalt drink of this curséd cider and fall into an eternal slumber.

Side note: The non-curséd version goes well with cheese stew.

Ale That Doth Not Taste Like Urine

The cooler weather ist perfect for storing ale in such a way that it doth not spoil and taste like human urine the way it does all summer (not that thou wilt notice on account of thy missing tongue). Although some prefer when it doth taste so.


The classic fall peasant cake made from mashed peas and nothing else. One mayest say, “But I already eat peascake year round on account of the fact that I’m poor and cann’t afford anything else.” Well, we didn’t ask for the opinions of peasants, so now thou shalt get none.

Caramel Faun Hoof

Nothing reminds one of the harvest faire like a caramel-coated faun’s hoof on a stick! Thy blasphemous mouth won’t be able to taste it, but the savoury scent of roasted salt-hoof shall tinge thy nostrils with reminiscences of the days when thou still had a tongue.