Escaping to the Country to Avoid the Plague? Here's How to Choose Which Family Members to Leave Behind to Die
By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten
Alack! The plague doth rage on and destroy our fair towne. But hopefully thou art a #bossbetch and thou hast an exit strategy which involves escaping to the country, getting fed grapes, and avoiding ugly people dying. But which family members wouldst be a good hang as thou escapes the death ravages of the plague, and which shouldst thou leave behind in the curséd towneship to perish? Answerest these very useful questions to see who maketh the cut!
Hath they ever complimented thy hair? Like, especially after one of those tymes thou ran through the forest and acquired an appealing flower crown?
Do they ever try to hook thee up with hotte local peasants like Archibald who plays the harp sadly, or Giovanno who cuts wood without his shirt even though we already have far too much wood to begin with and ‘tis freezing outside?
Have they ever needlepointed thy face?
That one time thou couldn’t sleep because thou had boils on thy hands and couldn’t feel thy feet, did they care for thee by throwing sweet goat milk at thy face to calm thee down and heal the pain?
If thou wast in the country, wouldst they sing thee sweet lullabies about what an adorable baby thou wast, like, waaayyyy hotter than the other babies?
If thine answers contain 2 or more yeses, then said family member wouldst be a noble hang for the country. Else, ‘tis best leave them home and let them die from the grotesque cruelty of the plague. Have a good vacae, m’lords and ladies!
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