Foode Review: I Normally Wouldn’t Consider Tree Bark to Be Foode but We Had a Bad Harvest and ‘Tis All That’s Left

As an experienced foode critic, I hath eaten all kinds of things. From barley stew, to barley mash, to barley wine, and even cheese once. But when one sets out to be a professional foode critic, one doth not expect to spend months on the brink of starvation on account of drought and frost which hath racked the region’s crops.

Some may say that the recent blight of famine is cause to find a new jobbe that does not revolve around eating. Others say ‘tis a dying profession on account of 99% of our population’s diet consists of three things, at most. But I say that there be no better tyme to be a foode critic.

The unavailability of things one would normally consider to be edible hath forced me to experiment with all manner of exotic foodstuffs, and some that in all reality probably shouldn’t be consumed by humans. The most recent of these rare dishes be the bark of a tree.

Whilst many wouldn’t consider tree bark to be foode, at this point ‘tis all that’s left, for I am afraid to go out and risk being killed by the roving bands which are patrolling the countryside in search of food. Here be my review.

Availability. My family hath been living in a tree trunk since the roving bands burned down our hovel looking for scraps. So bark ‘tis highly available. A+

Texture. When boiled in bogwater, ‘tis almost possible to bite through it without cracking a tooth. B-

Toxicity. My youngest daughter died after eating it, but we weren’t sure if she was poisoned by toxic tree bark or died of regular famine. C+

Presentation. None, really. We scrape it off the tree with a sharpened stone. We work at night and in haste so the roving bands won’t find us. C+

Flavour. This is the only tree bark I’ve eaten, so I do not have much of a benchmark for bark flavours. But it is worse than barley mash. C

Overall. Perhaps I would have given tree bark a higher rating if not for the unfortunate circumstances that thrust us into a position where my family was forced to eat it. It tastes rather foul and is potentially lethal to small children, but thanks to the tree most of us are still alive. B-