Fashun Police Remind Everyone Not to Wear Pointy Shoes After Don't-Wear-Pointy-Shoes-Anymore Day
The Penalties for Doing Soe Shall Be Severe
As the season for the wearing of pointy shoes draweth to a close, the Royal Fashun Police hath reminded all subjects ‘tis illegal to wear pointy shoes after the holiday Don’t-Wear-Pointy-Shoes-Anymore Day.
This longstanding fashun law ist designed so that all the trendiest fellows and fellettes in the Kingdom can distinguish those with goode taste in fashuns fromme those with none, and ridicule them appropriately.
“Wearing pointy shoes to banquets and galas during pointy shoe season indicates that the wearer hath a moste refined sense of style,” sayeth Chief of the Royal Fashun Police Géraud le Ballesac. “But wearing them out of season ist a grave fashun cryme punishable by up to five years in fashun prison and a 300 outfit fine.”
And Chief le Ballesac’s Fashun Troopers art quick to taketh action. During last year’s Don’t-Wear-Pointy-Shoes-Anymore Day Gala, they raided o’er a dozen underground pointy shoe parties and cut the points off all non-compliant shoes on the spot.
“‘Twas horrifying to see so many innocent shoe points destroyed so mercilessly. Our fashun laws are in dire need of reform,” sayeth Steen Steenson, a year-round pointy shoes advocate. “What about those of us with pointy feet? Whatfor are we to wear during non-pointy-shoe season?”
Many knights hath joined in the fray, arguing that pointy-toed sabatons shouldst always be worn in battle regardless of the season.
“They be great for kicking one’s enemy in the shins,” sayeth Sir Umfray Blaguard. “Totally impractickal for everything else, but shin-kicking ist one of the moste important skills for a knight.”
Wilt thou, dear reader, dare wear thy pointy shoes out of doors after the celebration of Don’t-Wear-Pointy-Shoes-Anymore Day this Friggsday eve? Takest thy chance if thou must, but sayest not we didn’t warn thee!
More stories of import:
5 Fall Flavours That Will Make Thee Say "I Cannot Taste Any Of These Because The King Cut My Tongue Out For Blasphemy"
Catch The Royal Speedhogge And Win A Free Chance To Be Mauled To Death For Interrupting The Sacred Hogge Dash
Heard round the Realm:
“Jousting is like life. Just when thou thinks thou hast the hang of it, thy horse decides to take a dump in the middle of thy final charge, and thy arch nemesis rams his lance into thy skull, causing thee to fall face-first into a pile of horse dung whilst every betrothable princess in the Kingdom laughs mockingly at thy misfortune.”
-Sir Lothgar the Shyte-Faced, on why he’s still single
Linkes of interest fromme other Realms:
Roderick Peril-in-the-Field, Knight Without Honor, fromme The Chatner. ‘Tis a series of pithy one-lyners by famed knight Sir Roderick Peril-in-the-Field.
Single Withered Carrot Raised Aloft from Garden Like Excalibur, fromme The Needling. “Look upon my splendor, mere mortals, and weep!”
If thou dost enjoy Ye Olde Tyme News, rememberest to subscribe, sharest it with thine other peasant friends, and followest His Majesty on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook @yeoldetymenews.