Dark Lord Resolves to Be More Evil This Year
The Dark Lord Dörgu Bøgerleshk, Bane of the Nrymbobl, Usurper of Forlorn Souls, Blood Governour of the Flaming Infernal Swamplands, hath made a new year’s resolution to be more ævil this year, sources doth say.
“This past year was just so tough. I feel like I didn’t mercilessly torment the weak or cast the spirits of the innocent into the Everburning Flames of Þjástlludw nearly as much as I should have,” sayeth Bøgerleshk. “But that shall all change in the new year.”
Whilst many of the Kingdom’s Dark Lords maketh resolutions each year to vanquish the Armies of Light or craft all-powerful weapons from the Dark Magick of the Wizards of the Black Cliffs of Nörgtywyll, studies showeth that more than 75% of them fail to sticketh to their resolutions for more than two or three fortnights.
“It taketh constant positive reinforcement if a Dark Lord wishes to accomplish their evil and sadistic goals for the year,” sayeth Moste Esteemed Lecturer Philator Pumbus. “Sometymes it doth help to frame the goal in terms of the horrible pain it will cause others, rather than focusing on the large amount of effort required to carry out grand plans of pure wickedness.”
Bøgerleshk sayeth that instead of worrying about the big picture of casting the Realm into an Eternal Shadow of Darkness, he shall focus instead on the day-to-day suffering he can cause to those around him.
“I think I just burned mineself out last year trying cause too much agony in too little tyme,” he sayeth. “If I can just torture one wretched being a day, that adds up.”