How I Lost Weight and Got in Shape by Being Cruelly Abandoned in the Desert by The King for the Last 10 Years

By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten

Losing weight can beeth a challenge. Peasants will try only to eat gruel made with oat milk or two jugs of ale a night instead of five. But those things taketh will power, which I barely have. Here’s how I didst lose weight and got in shape by being cruelly (but justly) abandoned in the Desert by The King for the last 10 years!

The first thing this lass did wast I saw The King in the town square and I had something in mine eye so I gave him a slightly askance look. Then He decreed, “That lass is a devil and shouldst be cruelly abandoned in the Desert for around 10 years!” 

At first I was shocked, because what will happen to my up-and-coming candle shoppe or my sheep BFF, Grothel? But then it dawned upon me, maybe this ist for the best because now I can finally getteth in shape!

So I spent 10 years in the Desert talking to cacti and scrounging sandberries from the dunes for supper. Whilst I missed my sheep friends and also talking with fellow peasants, I was grateful for the tyme to focus on getting in shape. 

Whilst some might find The King's actions unjust — although mineself wouldst never say that, mostly because He wouldst send me back to the Desert for another 10 years — ne’er hath I felt so happy with my bodie. And although in the evens I scream in my sleep, “I hateth the Desert! Help me! Help!” ‘twas so #worthit.


Catherine Weingarten is a NYC based tavern wench whose etchings have appeared in McSweeney’s. Catherineplaywright.ninja