Being a liege lord can be stressful. Collecting taxes, ruling o’er an entire domain of social and economick inferiors, and punishing dissenters are only a few of the challenges. But perhaps the most under-appreciated aspect of being a liege lord is sitting around all day looking regal in capes.
Vassals oft jest as if sitting on a throne for hours on end whilst covered in exotic furs and silks from the East is some sort of vacation. But in reality ‘tis a solemn duty. ‘Tis an art form, and it takes generations of hard work to perfect it. Here be 5 things that only true liege lords know about sitting around looking regal in capes.
Capes are heavy. If thou thinkest carrying bales of hay and pushing a plow all day is heavy labour, then clearly thou hast not tried sitting on a throne wearing capes.
Capes are hot. Figuratively, of course. But literally as well. In the warm summer months, ‘tis important to wear capes made of the furs of southerly creatures to wick away thy sweet noble sweat. Commoners know not how difficult it can be to send thy vassals to invade another land just to bring thee fresh pelts.
Thy hindquarters can become sore from all the sitting and having one’s every need catered to. If lowly peasants think thirty lashes on their rump for stealing half a potato is painful, clearly they have never tried sitting all day in an elegant throne room and having their every need catered to whilst covered in capes. Peasants can be so ungrateful.
The throne room lacks fresh air. Even with a team of manservants labouring day and night to pump cool airs in from the outside with mighty bellows, the throne room can become quite stuffy, especially in the humid season.
Capes can help relieve the stress of being better than everyone. Truly, only a liege lord knows how stressful and exhausting it is to be the legal and moral superior to every other person they interact with (except The King, of course!). Ordering men into battle in thy name or having them hanged for entertainment or for no reason a’tall takes its toll. In tymes like that, ‘tis important for a liege lord to seek comfort in his capes.