Major Letdown: The Nutcracker That Abducted Me Isn't Even A Prince
He's just a regular olde nutcracker. Bummer.
‘Tis every girl’s dream to be whisked away in the night by a prince to a magickal land of dolls and candy. That’s why, when I found out I was being abducted by a nutcracker and transported to his fairy-tale kingdom, I was filled with anticipation of great things to come.
As we sauntered throughst the snowy forest, I dreamt I would soon be a beautiful princess. I would spend the rest of my days dancing amongst gumdrops and Sugar Plum Fairies, far from the clutches of the evil Mouse King and his ilk.
But, as it happens, the nutcracker that kidnapped me isn’t even a prince and is just a regular olde sentient nutcracker.
Shame on me for marrying him, I guess. Because now I’m not a princess a’tall, but the mere peasant wife of a totally regular talking nutcracker with no ties whatsoever to nutcracker nobility. No way I would have helped him fight against the Mouse King’s army if I had known that.
What’s worse, it turns out he and the Mouse King are drinking buddies! Now, instead of frolicking through candy cane forests beside rivers of chocolate, I’m stuck sitting around his stale gingerbread apartment listening to him and the Mouse King talk about jousts.
I swear, if the Mouse King tells me to bring him a pint of ale from the kitchen one more time I’m going to beat him with my slipper!
So for all the girls out there that are thinking of marrying a handsome talking nutcracker and running away with him to a magickal nutcracker kingdom, let this be a lesson to thee: Make sure he’s a prince first, or at least minor nobility.