By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten
Art thou single and hopest not to be? Art thou willing to employ sinister love spells to obtain said ends? Well herein may be a solution. These very effective love spells will help thee to get thy man, although they won’t change the fact that the syphilis hath racked his brains and he probably won’t even know who thou art.
Takest rose petals and sprinkle them in water, then repeat thy beloved’s name over and over until all the rose petals have sunk. This spell will make thy beloved always faithful to thee, even though he got the syphilis from the tyme he hooked up with that wench Rosalind behind thy back.
Takest a pure white candle and repeat, “Loveth me, and not that hough bag Rosalind.” Blow the candle out, then bury the candle in the woods at midnight. This spell will make thy beloved throw pebbles at Rosalind when he sees her and want to give thee candles.
Takest a locket of thy beloved’s hair and chant, “Oh please, beloved, choose me because I am almost 17 and going to die soon, and I cannot live without marrying thee.” If thou chants this enough thy beloved shall choose thee to wed. Although since syphilis hath racked his brains, he might forget thou are married. Oh well!
Strippest to the nude in the forest and write thy beloved’s name on thy chest. Stand open to the moon and send pure thoughts of the passionate type of love thou needest into the universe. Do not think about the fact that if thou hookest up with thy beloved thou too might have syphilis and not remember how to eat yoghourt.
Go to thy beloved’s home and sit in front of him and scream, “Marry me! Marry me!” until he cannot sayeth nay. Then convince thyself that the syphilis was a psychological issue and that he never touched Rosalind because she has weird ankles.