5 Best Villages to Maketh Out in Before the Illurhög Burns Them Down
By Tavern Wench Catherine Weingarten
‘Tis nice to feel the pangs of love and run away with thy belovéd to a romantic spot for some intimacy. These 5 Villages create the perfect atmosphere for some making out. But be warned: They will soon be burned down by the fearsome Illurhög, so maketh it quick!
Viterbo. Viterbo’s gardens art covered with sweet lilies, a perfeckt atmosphere for Geoff to throw thee down in the fields and kiss thy neck. But the Illurhög’s favourite flower is also the lily, so very soon he shall come to eat them up along with any lovers who happen to be lying thereabouts.
Mountuniso. Mountuniso hath the moste savoury gruel for miles. Who doesn’t like feeding one’s lover food whilst everyone watches enviously from afar? Just be thee wares that Illurhög, Destroyer of Worlds and Scourge of Civilizations, will not hesitate to burn thee to ash whilst Geoff slurps lukewarm gruel off thy body.
PutoPitto. This mid-size towne hath many sad wandering peasants who also possess musical talents and like to serenade the locals on their fifes and harps for funsies. Thou canst enjoy a little music as thou hardcore maketh out and forget the fact that thy boyfriend has a wife. Just watch out because the sweet serenade of peasant music pleases the ear of Illurhög, and he shall be there presently to scorch everything within earshot.
Bleu Ridges. This little village is known for its perfeckt views of the sunset and will be great for Geoff to kiss thee hard and then tell thee he will leave his wife but he’s got to wait till after she makes the 200 pies she promised because he hath a big appetite. Also Illurhög, the great annihilator feared by all, is scared of sunsets so he will probably not destroy this village for a while.
Lavinitzie. This mythic town is filled with chocolate, pillows, sexy court jesters, and lots of minty powder to be used on one’s breath to not scare thy beloved. This atmosphere will give thee the romance thou hast been craving and get thee far away from thy annoying sheep who won’t stop bleating and always want to be fed. But be careful because the Illurhög has a thing for chocolate and sheep so sometimes comes to this town on her time of the month to cry, eat chocolate, and burn.
Other stories about the Illurhög: