Due to Unprecedented Robbing Conditions, the Merry Men May Have to Kill a Peasant or Two to Keep This Party Going
Today’s article doth feature a letter written in from the farthest reaches of the Realm, in a land called “Nottinghamshire.” We doth not know whomst this “Robyn Hoode” figure be, or whomst be many of the other fellows he mentions by name, but it doth seem he hath finely wisened up and turned his loyalties to The Crowne!
Dearest peoples of Nottinghamshire,
Long hath my Merry Men and I fought against the abuses of the unjust pretender Prince John. Long hath we struggled hand-in-hand with the layfolk of the realm to take from our corrupt leaders what is rightfully ours. Long hath we dedicated our lives to alleviating the plight of the working peasant. And, indeed, it hath been real.
But these are trying tymes. And trying tymes call for abrupt reversals of company policy. The rich, it seems, are slightly less rich than they were but a fortnight past. (Though they are still very rich.) This hath caused the incentives in the robbing-giving exchange rate to swing wildly. As such – and in consultation with my trusted advisor the Sheriff of Nottingham – the Merry Men shall temporarily begin stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.
Also, we may have to kill a few of thee.
Now, before thou sayest, “But Robyn, isn’t this opportunity for the humble people of Nottinghamshire to play an active role in the shire’s commerce exactly what thy band of outlaws hath worked for all these years?” or “Please don’t kill my family we’re already starving!” take a look at it from my perspective. The rich have always been our main source of income. But they have castles and armor and stuff, and stealing from them taketh a lot of effort. Now that their gold isn’t just sitting out and about for the taking, it’s a heck of a lot easier to just steal from Bogumil the radish farmer (who, by the way, made a killing on that radish stock).
And remember, this is only a temporary thing. At our core, we still art the same olde Merry Men. It’s not like we have anything against Bogumil. It’s just that we’re a band of thieves and our entire existence depends on, well, thieving. That’s just business.
We’re wholeheartedly dedicated to keeping all of the customers who we’ve robbed, murdered, or left for dead in a ditch in Sherwood Forest informed. If thou or any of the other peasants living in thy hovel wants to learn more about why we shot thee in the back with an arrow and robbed thee during this one tyme that things seemed to be looking up, we’ve made plenty of educational resources available at our secret lair behind the big oak tree by the creek.
We’re not through this yet. Tough tymes are ahead. Many more peasants will be robbed and/or killed before a sense of normalcy returns. But we’re confident that once we’re able to fill The King’s coffers to acceptable levels and put a few peasants back in thy lowly financial places where thou belongs, the Merry Men and all of Sherwood Forest shall be able to return to our good olde merry ways.
Robyn of Loxley