50% of Peasants Refuse to Douse Themselves in Holy Water to Ward Off Plague

With ye plague on the resurgence in the past two fortnights, over half of the Kingdom’s peasants have still refused to douse themselves in holy water to ward off the disease, according to a study from the Royal Society of Humours and Phlegmatic Ailments.

“‘Tis clear that dousing oneself in the Lord’s blesséd waters ist one of the surest wayes to prevent putrid boils from ravaging thy bodie,” sayeth Royal Surgeon Dr. Jeclonius Sphłînt. “Yet these vulgar philistines still refuse to do so, in spite of the fact that they were ordered to on pain of death.”

The Royal Society hath issued a decree stating that all peasants, serfs, artisans, and other people of little import are required to undergo at least two dousings of holy water. But many hath refused, citing the fact that none of them knows how to read and thus could not properly interpret the decree, and that their lives are already so miserable and short as it is that they kind of want to die anyway.

“‘Tis God and God alone whomst can tell me which sacred liquids to pour into or upon my famished bodie,” sayeth peasant Fíffli Rakesoil. “Though if the priest sees fit to bless a flagon of turnipwine I shall gladly oblige.”

At ye presse tyme, the Royal Society updated its guidelines stating that all noblemen and womyn attending balls, galas, and other festive jubilees are strongly advised to wear a bird mask or at least ensure they only sneeze and spit in the direction of servants.