Hipster Crusader Was Conquering the Holy Land Before It Was Cool

Conquering the Holy Land in the Name of God and The King is all the rage as of late. Whilst many intrepid and pious young knights see this as a great opportunity to spread the word of King to heathen lands, others are worried ‘tis harming the originality and local vibe of crusading culture.

“I was conquering the Holy Land and slaying the Lord’s enemies before it was cool,” sayeth a hip young crusader by the name of Gayle Jarshua. “All these other poseur crusaders are just jumping on the ‘let’s invade the Holy Land and kill everyone’ bandwagon. So lame.”

Jarshua yearns for the days when the only people pillaging pagan villages at random in The King’s Name were true paladins that did it not for the money or the fame, but because they genuinely cared about slaughtering people that were different from them.

“These crusaders nowadays hath no taste,” sayeth Jarshua’s friend and amateur male craft alewife Kile Lars. “They couldn’t tell the difference between stabbing a random heathen in the stomach and desecrating the pagans’ Great Temple of Üsteri-gør and beheading its High Priest. It maketh me sick.”

With the Crusades going mainstream, many original crusaders are seeking other ways to kill people in unique ways they can be smug about. Some hath turned to the Inquisition, whilst others have discussed seeking a fresh start in a New World across the Sea, where they say there be an endless amount of interesting people to kill.

“All I doth know is the crusades are totally lamestream now,” sayeth Jarshua. “The big regiments are moving in and taking the fun out of invading. From here on I, for one, shall only taketh part in small batch, local crusades.”


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