Things I Wish I Had Known About Catapult Projectiles Before I Volunteered to Be One

There be so much to learn in this Great Realm of ours when one is fighting in the Name of The King. This be especially true when it comes to the use of catapults, trebuchets, and other siege engines. Such a lesson I didst learn when the Royal Army was running low on boulders in a recent siege and called for volunteers to serve as projectiles for our artillery.

‘Tis an honour to maketh mine carcass of use to His Majesty’s Besiegement. For ‘tis as The King wisely sayeth:

“A bodie in the catapult is worth almost as much as a rock in the catapult, and we’re running low on rocks.”

But at the same tyme many of the lessons of this experience hath proven to be hard-earned. Here be somme things I wish I had known about catapult projectiles before I volunteered to become one.

One only learns from mistakes if one survives them.

One survives not the experience of being a catapult projectile. Needless to say I was quite taken aback when I first learned this and even thought about recanting my choice to volunteer.

The 15 seconds of ecstasy whilst flying through the air are far outweighed by the pain of impact.

In my peasantly shortsightedness I only thought about the first 15 seconds of the launch when I would fly like a condor throughst His Majesty’s skies. I did not foresee the latter and much more painful part when my body would impact the enemy ramparts.

In catapults, as in lyfe, thou only gets one shot.

Thy body will be as a fyne liquid after merely a single shot, so makest it count. The only exception to this rule is the lesson that follows.

Chopping the body into multiple smaller pieces makes for a scattered impact area, ideal for use against enemy infantry.

This be a moste horrible demise for both the enemy troops and the projectile. One can also use the smaller appendages to adjust fire, and save the heavy torso for a final accurate shot once thy aim hath been dialed in.

Dipping ones head in molten metal and letting it solidify hath profound effects against hardened fortifications.

Also very painful and something I wish I knew was a possibility beforehand.

Thou misses all the shots thou dost not take, and also many of the shots thou dost.

Seriously, launching a human body from one of these things is super inaccurate and I know not why we keep doing it.

‘Tis not really “volunteering” because somebodie is going in the catapult whether we like it or not.

The siege rages on and we’re running low on boulders. Abandoning the siege due to lack of non-human projectiles be not an option. Again, in the Wise Words of The King:

“Stop talking and start loading thy severed body parts in the catapult.”