Hwæt! Springtyme is upon us, and one knoweth what that means: Tyme to get dandy!
There be no dandier occasion in all the Realm than the Prince’s annual Dandypants Dance, wherein all of the dandiest lads in the Kingdom come to flaunt the season’s moste fashionable hose, stockings, and other taut materials one can fitte to a thigh.
But will thy dandypants prove dandy enough that the Prince will allow thee to prance at his Dandypants Dance?
Only the dandiest of fellows is allowed to prance upon the prancing floor where the other dandies can gaze upon his dandypants in awe. Here be somme questions to ask thyself to ensure thy dandypants are dandy enough for such an honour.
Is Thy Cod Prominent?
‘Twould be quite an embarrassment to take to the prance floor with a non-prominent codpiece. And certainly the Prince would never allow it. No man couldst call himself a dandyman without a bulging cod as the centrepiece of his dandypants, so ensure thine protrudes saliently.
Hast Thou Practiced Thy Dandy Stance?
The Dandypants Dance isn’t just about dancing. ‘Tis also important that all of thy actions are of the utmost dandiness. To that end, make sure thou practices thy Dandy Stance. This way, even when thou art to the side of the prance floor chit-a-chatting, all of the chaps will observe thy dandiness, including the Prince.
Are Thy Hose Fitte Snug ‘Round Thy Rumpus?
What be the point of prancing if thy hose show not even the curves of thy nates to all the manly lads? If thou findest thy hose hang loose from thy posterior, beest sure to have a seamstress tighten them uppe so they display thy dandy fanny.
Doth the Prince Cast Thee a Dandy Glance?
The Prince casts not dandy glances to fellows with mere fancypants or breeches. Nay, his dandy glances be reserved only for the dandiest of dandypants. If thou sees the Prince cast his eye thy in thy direction and wave his dandy hand, then thou can rest assured thy dandypants are dandy enough to prance at his dance.