Dear Dark Lord: Should I Shadow Ban Unruly Minions (by Casting Their Souls Into the Shadow Realm)?

When is the right time to hurl an obstreperous underling into the Shadow Realm?

Dec 26, 2023

Dear Dark Lord,

I’m sure you’ve heard the news. There are traitors in our midst, minions of our very own Dark Army spreading vile words-not-to-be-spoken-of amongst their fellow thralls.

Whilst these are but a small subset of the Forces of Evil, I fear if I do not stamp them out with an iron fist their sickening opinions will fester and bloom into a bigger problem.

It is in this matter that I seek thy counsel. As Deputy Chief Arbiter of Truth for the Dark Army’s Minion Resources Department, I need to decide which minions I allow to speak, and which minions to Shadow Ban by seizing their souls and casting them deep into the abyss of nothingness known as the Shadow Realm.

Should I start Shadow Banning these garrulous minions, or should I allow these perverted treasonists to continue spreading their perfidious filth?

Or, as an alternative, perhaps a few public tongue-cuttings could serve as a compromise solution?

Some of my lieutenants advise me to Shadow Ban mercilessly. Others argue that Shadow Banning will only strengthen their resolve and the best course of action is to simply ignore them and move on with whatever harebrained Evil Scheme you order us to do next. The rest of my lieutenants don’t say anything because I already cut their tongues out.

Simply say The Word and the Shadow Banning shall commence.

Thine in fawning obeisance,

Shadow Banner

Dear Shadow Banner,

Clearly, you haven’t read my content moderation policy.

Paragraph 7.c. clearly states:

Minions are not allowed to speak unless spoken to, and they are under no circumstances allowed to have opinions.

Honestly, the fact that any of our minions still have tongues comes as a surprise to me.

What kinds of foul opinions are they spouting? Is it the normal drudgery about not getting enough chum at feeding time, and how they’re constantly dying pointlessly in battle? Or is it the much more dangerous talk of Hope and Dreams?

Either way, I really don’t care what you do. Cast them into the Shadow Realm or let them squabble, it is of no import to me in the Grand Scheme of things. If I have my way, we are all fated for the Shadow Realm one way or another. In fact, their petty squabbling only feeds into the Hate that spins the Great Wheel of Evil which shall one day bring my power to its terrible zenith.

Ask yourself: Are their words likely to cause death and destruction on a sweeping scale?

If so, that’s great! Let them squabble. We have much bigger fish to fry at Dark Army HQ. If everyone is trapped in an endlessly crescendoing echo chamber of vitriolic clamor, I’d say things are going just fine. Extra points if they’re armed. We should take a “hands-off” approach and continue to let them kill one another organically until the whole system just sort of crumbles in on itself.

As long as the blood keeps flowing, I’m happy.

That’s the Plan after all, isn’t it? More blood?

The last thing we would want is discourse, or level-headed thinking, or underlings having the mental space and clarity to develop ideas of their own. Or, gods forbid, just ignoring the noise and getting on with their lives.

I remain, dear vassal, thy Vile Master,

Dark Lord Dörgu Bøgerleshk, Bane of the Nrymbobl, Usurper of Forlorn Souls, Blood Govourner of the Flaming Infernal Swamplands

P.S. If they’re from the goblin sect known as “Nazis” then go ahead and cast them into the Shadow Realm. Those guys are the worst.

Previous Dear Dark Lord Letters:

the long warred

Dear Dark Assistant to the Underworld Undersecretary of Underlings;

The Nazis you refer to are a reliable source of revenue and bullet points on annual reviews, we have played out the Russians did it which became as you see from the Eastern Front even more embarrassing when it turned out the Russians were real instead of Bureaucratic InCorporealated ©️causing no end of embarrassment. Neither they nor the Ukrainians have the sense to just expend bullets and make money.

Infiltration of the Papists of Maryland also proved embarrassing because our tardive minions got caught trying to bug the confessional, unlike the Watergate burglary they weren’t supposed to...

Nazis-it’s annual review time, which justifies budgets, revenue is of course the review. We simply cannot continue to refuse to face facts that our less fortunate minions can compete outside of shall we say a controlled environment, preferably one that is entirely a digital fabrication; to this end- don’t toss the Nazis, because those are MY NAZIS, we’re all facing a budget crunch going into an election cycle. Frankly I’m surprised the memo didn’t circulate to your desk, it’s these new millennial helpers, they can’t figure anything out.

Don’t shoot us in the hoof that’s whole just because we’re already limping. That’s not balance, despite what you may have heard.

Chris Wray

Director, FBI

VVR

Merrick Wormwood Garland

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