Dear Dark Lord: My Wife Wants to Turn Our Dungeon Into an In-law Suite
Dear Dark Lord,
I’ve been living in the same damp, dreary castle ever since I was a young, brooding grimlord.
Like any good grimlord, I’ve always spent the majority of my time in the best room in the house: the Dungeon. Lurking in shadows, imprisoning the weak, generally torturing unfortunate souls and listening to their tormented howls all through the night. That’s how I spend most of my days. No evil lord’s castle is complete without a proper Dungeon.
But lo! Not a sixmonth past I was married to a young witch-o-the-woods, and already she is trying to remodel my lair! Just the other eve after mid-crow she approached me and said she wanted to turn my Dungeon into an in-law suite so her dreadful witchmother could move in.
In hindsight I should have seen it coming. She had been dropping hints for weeks, saying things like “The backsplash in this prison cell totally needs a makeover” and “This chopping block would make a lovely dinette!” After all the work I’ve done covering these walls with the blood of mine enemies, she wants to replace them with a distressed brick backsplash! There’s literally a half-dead prisoner chained to the wall, is it not distressed enough already?
“My mother is a wonderfully evil old crone,” she says. “Once you get used to her sinister quirks you’ll love having her around the castle.”
Nay, I say unto thee. I like my Dungeon just the way it is without any added witchmother-in-laws. As it stands, I barely have enough time to plot my Evil Plan. If some old witch moves into my workspace I may never be able to devise the perfect scheme to cast the Realm into Eternal Shadow.
I prefer to keep my Dungeon, and leave her mother in her witch hut deep in the Grimly Forest, but I don’t know how to break it to my wife without making her mad. The last thing I want is for her to fly into one of those witch rages of hers and turn me into a toad again. Witches are so emotional like that.
How do I stand my ground and tell my witch wife that the Dungeon shall remain as it is, and her mother shan’t be moving in?
Dear Dungeon Makeover,
Nobody said marriage would be easy. I myself have over 4,000 wives and every single one of them drives me nuts. If thy witchmother is too powerful a witch or too politically valuable for you to simply kill, you may have to compromise and do the renovation. But there may be a silver lining to it all.
Does your witchmother-in-law know any cleaning spells?
Can she cook? I’ve known many old crones who could cook up one hell of a tasty cauldron brew (as long as you don’t mind eating children).
What about child care? If you decide to spawn a Dark Army of your own, she can help raise the spawnlings while you focus on concocting sinister plots to cast the Realm into Eternal Shadow.
Nobody likes to see their favorite Dungeon turned into an in-law suite. But there’s plenty of other places to torture one’s enemies. Who knows? Maybe losing your Dungeon will spark a new creative energy in the way you torment the unfortunate souls who happen to fall into your grim clutches.
I say give it a try. A Dungeon in-law suite makeover might be exactly what you need to take your Evil Plan to the next level.
And once the remodel is finished, please send pics. I love a good backsplash.
Until then, I remain, dear vassal, thy Vile Master,
Dark Lord Dörgu Bøgerleshk, Bane of the Nrymbobl, Usurper of Forlorn Souls, Blood Govourner of the Flaming Infernal Swamplands