Dear Dark Lord #7: Will I Ever Be as Evil as My Father?

Or am I doomed to be mediocrely evil?

Dear Dark Lord,

I’ve been working in the evil industry my whole life.

It’s the family business. My grandfather was a terrifying wolf-like beast that roamed the woods at night slaughtering innocent peasants when they wandered too far. My father was even eviler and expanded that skillset into a successful company, with 50 beasts lurking for us across 3 different forests. The company is called the Woods of Despair. You’ve probably heard of us. Our woods are a pretty popular placed to get killed in the Northlands.

Needless to say, I have some big shoes to fill.

After working with my father for so long, I’ve seen him operate. He is the epitome of wickedness. One look at his massive claws and his savage fangs perpetually dripping with blood will send shivers up your spine. He’ll rip a peasant’s guts out without thinking twice. I’ve strived to be more like him, but I just don’t have the knack for gut ripping, or lurking in the frozen shadows waiting for prey, or any of the other typical forest beast skills that define our brand.

It’s not for lack of trying. He’s had me train under every type of horrible woodland creature imaginable: werewolves, tree monsters, demon owls. You name it, they’ve trained me.

But none of it worked. My claws are too dull to eviscerate people, and my bloodlust is basically non-existent. Most of the time I’d rather eat berries than human flesh.

My lack of brutality has basically gotten me relegated to administrative jobs. I do most of the company’s HR work and also some logistics. I’m pretty good at it.

Personally, I’m content with my role doing paperwork for the Woods of Despair. It suits my temperament and gives me plenty of time to read. But I also don’t want to let my father down. I see the way he looks at me. He won’t come right out and say it, but deep down he thinks I’m not evil enough.

What can I do? Will I ever be as evil as my father? No one ever became a legendarily terrifying wolf-beast by being good at logistics.

Clawlessly thine,

Lost in the Woods of Despair

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Dear Lost in the Woods of Despair,

As evil beings, we often spend so much time comparing ourselves to others that we never think about how to be our evilest selves. Each one of us is unique, and there’s no right or wrong way to terrorize the peoples of the Realm.

I’ve met your father. He is great at eviscerating. But just because eviscerating is not your thing doesn’t mean you can’t be brutal in some other way. Maybe your claws aren’t sharp enough to do his famous reverse gut rip move, but maybe those same dull claws have better dexterity when operating the destructive machines of war. You said you’re good at logistics and HR. Well, use that. The Woods of Despair has 50 employees lurking in 3 forests? Why not expand?

Start small. Add an extra forest or two and a dozen beasts, then take it from there. With a solid recruiting campaign and logistical planning, you can be haunting all the forests in the Northlands within a decade. Sure, you won’t personally have your paws on the ground slashing peasants open, but with this strategy you’ll indirectly rip way more guts than you would have just by having sharp claws and an insatiable bloodlust.

Amateurs talk gut ripping; professionals talk logistics.

Don’t give up on evil just yet. And stop trying to be your father. Pursue that thing that lets you torment the innocent better than anyone else. Once you do that, I know your father will be proud of you, even if your way of slaughtering people is different from his.

(And if he isn’t proud of you, then eventually he’ll rip your guts out and move on. It’s a win-win for the Forces of Evil.)

Let me know how it goes. I hope the day comes when nobody can wander into a Northlands wood without being eviscerated by one of your valued employees.

Until then, I remain, dear vassal, thy Vile Master,

Dark Lord Dörgu Bøgerleshk, Bane of the Nrymbobl, Usurper of Forlorn Souls, Blood Govourner of the Flaming Infernal Swamplands

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