Ye Opinion: Don't Cancel Halloween Just Because I Burned a Couple Kids in Witch Costumes at the Stake
Not my fault their costumes were so convincing
By Balthasar Nórn, Witchhunter
Halloween is a sacred tradition throughout the Realm. ‘Tis a tyme for children to dress as grotesque creatures and travel the streets demanding sweet confections under the threat of trickery.
But some in our Kingdom want to cancel Halloween. They claim that troll and orc costumes are offensive to troll and orc culture, respectively. Or that dressing as a fairy princess is scandalous because it shows too much ankle. Some even say that we should cancel Halloween just because last year I accidentally burned a couple kids in witch costumes at the stake.
I say this is preposterous, and everyone involved hath recognized that it was done with honest intentions. If they didn’t want to be burned at the stake, they shouldn’t have worn such convincing witch costumes.
Not to mention their behaviour was monstrously witch-like. Some of these witchlings approached me mockingly, as if under the impression that my witchhunter attire was a Halloween costume rather than my regular clothes. Others threatened to boil my bones in a cauldron and cursed me in the name of a forest god. Still others demanded I give them candy or, absent that, money. As any self-respecting witchhunter would, I could not let these affronts go unpunished.
It just so happens that Halloween is the best witch-hunting night of the year. My business depends on it. That a few talented young costumiers happened to provoke me whilst I was on the job is no fault of my own. I was in a flow state, ready to burn any witches that crossed my path.
Everyone expects that Halloween will have some casualties. That’s part of the fun, even if one of them wasn’t even a witch but just a really spooky scarecrow. Two or three casualties is no reason to cancel this sacred rite altogether.
‘Tis rare that I burn a non-witch at the stake — I always make sure to do the sink-or-float test on them first, which studies have proven to be accurate.1 The chances of it happening again this year are relatively low.
So I say we keep celebrating Halloween in full force, as our ancestors hath done long before our tyme.
Will a few orcs get offended? Sure.
Will a few kids in vampire costumes get hawthorn stakes driven through their hearts? Probably.
Will a few non-witches get burned alive? I would like to say no, but on the off chance it happens again, I’d say ‘tis worth it.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
The fact that these studies were sponsored by the company that makes witch ponds is beyond the point.