Hallow’s Eve be a funne tyme of the year to dress up in costumes and fantasize we are creatures which are much more interesting than our homely, uninspiring selves. But if thou desires to dress up as a witch, there’s a decent chance thou wilt be confused for the real thing and be burned at the stake.

‘Tis possible to avoid such an unfortunate yet justified execution by fire whilst still donning witch-like vestures. Herein be some witch-adjacent costumes to wear this Hallow’s Eve that are unlikely to get thee burned at the stake accidentally (although this is by no means guaranteed).

1. Witch-hunter

Why risk getting sent to the stake when thou cannest instead be the sender? Witch-hunter costumes are selling fast this year, so ‘tis best to plan ahead. Stock up now on cross-shaped daggers, vessels of holy water, and obnoxiously large hats with belt buckles on them.

2. Dead witch

Dressing up as a dead witch is a great way to proudly exhibit thy conviction that witches are not long for this lyfe. Just be careful not to get thrown into the dead witch pile by mistake. Yuck!

3. Jealous townswomyn accusing her enemies of being witches

The perfect costume if there are other maidens in town whomst thou caught ogling Sir Godwyn, to whom thou desires betrothal. Run around towne shouting “Witch!” and pointing thy finger reprovingly. No need for hard evidence or any sort of proof whatsoever. As long as at least two other jealous hags join in that’s goode enough to put them to a sink or float test.

4. Angry mob

All thou needs is a pitchfork, a torch, and a hundred or so witch-hating friends to storm throughst the towne in a blind rage looking for witches to burn.

5. Witch’s pet cat who’s into magick but not really into the whole “consume the souls of all mortals” thing

It is rumoured that it is possible to be a cat and yet not be evil. Go as a witch’s familiar who is sort of into magick yet not fully devoted to the destruction of all mankind, and thy chances of being burnt at the stake will be greatly reduced.

6. Witch disguised as a witch-hunter

Similar to the jealous townswomyn, but instead of accusing thine enemies one-by-one, provoke the masses into a bloodthirsty anti-witch rabble. Little shall they know that deep down thou art actually dressed as a witch, and by driving them to madness thou art achieving some sort of devious witch objective known only to thee.

7. Guy who lights the stake on fire

If thou art looking for a witch-adjacent costume on the cheap, the guy who lights the stake on fire is usually just dressed like a regular peasant. Simply acquire some rope, a source of heat, and a heartless demeanour, then wait for the rabble to toss someone onto the tinder.

8. Broomstick

The upside is that broomsticks cannot be blamed for their unwilling association with witches. The downside is that they make great kindling for the pyre.

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What gall! Some peasants useth Hallow's Eve as none but a tyme to showeth off their un-peasantly wealth. Rather than accepting that we all art poor and shan't afforde more than a handful of rye to giveth out on Hallow' s Eve, some useth their moste fortunate lucke during the growing season to flaunt their bountiful harvest…

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a year ago · Jan Lionsnest