How to Act Chaste Even Though He Clearly Caught Thee Ogling His Codpiece

Leer at his cod without tarnishing thy demure reputation

Aug 08, 2022

Divert thine eyes, m’lday. (Antonis Mor/Wikimedia Commons)

Every lady hath her desires, no matter how fair and chaste she may be. Often these desires will lead one to leer at Sir Godwyn’s protuberant codpiece in a publick setting, whereupon he will make awkward eye contact whilst catching thee in the act.

But such a sad state of affairs needs not be a black mark upon thy prudish reputation. Herein be some tips on how to act chaste even if a lord caught thee brazenly ogling his bulging codpiece.

Change ye subject

If he approaches thee and sayeth, “M’lady, I hath noticed thine eyes lingering upon my codpiece these past four and thirty minutes,” change the subject immediately. Try to avoid subjects dealing with cod, so as not to inadvertently steer the conversation back to his loins.

Blot out thine eyes

One cann’t gaze upon a codpiece if one hath no eyes. If he catches thee visually slurping up his cod candy with thine eyes, quickly blot them out with an eye dagger. He will believe thee to be the prudest and most modest lady in all the land, for the mere minor act of seeing a codpiece hath led thee to blind thyself. He still shan’t marry thee, however, on account of thy hideous eye wounds.

Shout “I’ve been cursed by the Love Wizard!”

If he believes the Love Wizard hath infected thy mind with his lecherous coital spells, mayhaps he shan’t blame thee for the offense of drooling like a possessed dog as thou gawps at his rigid cod. For ‘tis as they say, “What happeneth under the Love Wizard’s spell, stayeth under the Love Wizard’s spell.”

Go on the offensive

If he seeks to censure thee for thy lustful depravity, turn ye tables back upon him by going on the offensive. Telleth him, “The fault for gazing upon thine ample cod was not mine, goode sir, but thine. How indecent it was of thee to display such a robust article in publick with ladies present. Dost thou wish to unchasten the mind of every virgin in the Kingdom?”

Surely, this will cause him to tuck his arrogant baguette between his legs in shame.

Own it

Finally, if thou absolutely cann’t escape the encounter with thy chastity intact, thou mayest have to own it. Sayeth, “Yea, m’lord, I was ogling thy codpiece, and ere the night cometh thy loins shall be mine.” Thy chastity shall be gone, but his demesne shall be thine. Whoso needeth chastity anyway when thou cannest marry into a Dukedom?

5 Mighty Codpieces That Will Maketh Thee Say “The King’s Is Mightier”

There beeth not fyner way to show pride in one’s virility than by displaying it loudly upon thy crotch for all to see. ‘Tis well known that the size of one’s codpiece is an accurate reflection of one’s manly vigour, and is in no way a means to compensate for lack of stature in one’s under-dragon. ‘Tis also a fact that His Majesty’s Royal Cod is by far the moste vigourous of all. Here be five mighty codpieces from across the Realm that will maketh thee say, without a doubt upon thy breath, “The King’s is mightier.”

1. Lord Chevalier’s Codpiece

Whilst Lord Chevalier hath a fyne lengthy codpiece like a spontoon carved of hardy ashwoode, His Majesty’s is far girthier and hardier.

2. The Brave Knight Sir Garth’s Codpiece

Sir Garth’s armoured codpiece beeth firm and hardened enough to stop an arrow or even the thrust of a lance, but The King’s codpiece beeth so fearsome that no arrow or lance wouldst even dare stray near to it.

3. The Great Dragon Morgbandr’s Codpiece

This dragon’s mighty codpiece beeth the size of a castle tower and hath been known to accidentally tear the rooves off of houses if he flies too low. Morgbandr’s codpiece mayest be larger than The King’s, But His Majesty’s is much more well-formed.